Change of Plans

so much has happened...

I am going to copy from my blog on myspace so you can see whats been happening..

08:08 - The past (current) Well it has been a few days and I have had a lot of time to think about the past few years. In my hope to save the world I let myself fall into a pit of depression and dependancy. I have not done the thing I wished to do and I am not the person I wish to be. I remember years back when I began the commune that I wanted to choose people who would thrive in such a setting and grow together. Then low and behold I relized that you can not just put a bunch of people together and expect them to get along let alone survive I was a but nuts. I tried my damndest to help everyone out and I put myself (and others) into great debt because of it. I still have several of the houses and all of the bills they had remaining after we left on my credit.. Although I realize that money is not the forerunner of importance I do realize now that I am fucked pretty bad that It is something you need to have. Credit is of utmost importance and without it you don't get nearly as far. When I move out of state many of those bills will not be an issue but some of them will follow me forever, or untill I deal with them. When I think back about all the the time I lost not getting my shit together I want to kick myself. I know that my resting was important but you know I could have done so much more with myself. Now I am 27 and thinking back about not only how much time I wasted but everyone else too. Why did so many of us do so little? why did we fail to progress as people? I do not understand this at all and it upset me because I spent a lot of money over those years.. I spent close to 54,000.00 in four years. Thats no chump change but I thought it was worth it. I loved everyone and I cared more than I should have for some. Now I am at a loss for words about the situation. Everyone is going a different direction and I know how wrong I was about our fate. I did not invent this path because it has always been here, I merely followed it. I wish everyone gained from it all but sadly enough I doubt they have. Some have moved on and some have left in anger.. its been a long road. Now the new road begins and I am not taking any guesses. I am not going to take any unnecessary chances either.

13 Sep 2007 00:30 - No marriage There has been a lot of craziness around here with the plans for the future. Things will certainly be different. I have been crying off and on for three days and I think I am finally at terms with this. We have asked Nikki to move in and she has accepted but it will be months before we can depend on any help from that direction because she is trying to get her own plans together. I am pretty stressed out trying to think of money solutions. People keep telling me it will eb cheaper because of the less people but I know better than that. The bills are already really low and I have no idea where we will get the money to pay the mortgage. I only make 600 a month and I do not even have my bridge cared anymore because of Anthony's unemployment. Fortunately we will be able to get my card again once he goes back to work which will help a great deal. I can not really depend on his money right now because he has to pay for the car and insurance plus the credit card bill and other misc bills... Things are certainly a heap of mess. We can not really afford to pay out for my dress or anything else for that matter. I wanted to be a part of his family. I wanted to have his mane but now we have to wait and I am really bummed out.. I am bummed about Bernadette and Phil... I am bummed about not having a baby here to love and hold.. I am depressed about the wedding plans and most of all I am seriously confused about my emotions and Bernadette.. it has been so long I don't really know what to say or how to feel. Then again I suppose we all saw this change coming if you keep up with my blog... I think things can be okay. I talked to my mother today and she is supportive for once. Anthony told his dad about it and he agrees it is alright not to be married right now... Not that we were going to because of family or morals.. but because we love one another and we wanted to be legally connected... its fine. I think that eventually everything will make more sense.

12 Sep 2007 18:17 - Big News Bernadette and Phil are getting an apartment. Bernadete and I are still tight and this is a civil and mutually decided thing. Please do not distance yourselves because of it. We both still love you all but our roads go in different direactions. Please understand. We do not want to make a huge deal of things because stress is the last thing she or I needs. anthony and I are fine, Phil and Bernadette are fine. Things will be okay so like I said... we are shaken up a bit but we understand the change is a much needed thing. She and her family need space.. I am part of her family always but my life needs me to travel and move to a big city.. eventually people will get used to the change. I know it will take me a while but I know things can sometimes happen in order to follow ones individual fate... who knows it could well be the childs.. I do not know.

11 Sep 2007 01:14 - NEW ART Please go to the digital art section of my pictures by following this picture link <3>

10 Sep 2007 15:51 - Map repost hilarious take 60 seconds to do this, I guarantee you will show someone else, it's too funny not to. 1. go to http://www.google.com/ 2. click on "maps" 3. click on "get directions" 4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box) 5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box) 6. click on "get directions" 7. scroll down to step 23

09 Sep 2007 14:55 - Finding myself again Okay so it has been months now since the major change in this house. To you who do not know it I should start by saying Bernadette and I are not the same. It has been about 6 months since we have been physically close and we no longer share the same room. This is really weird for me. I wake up daily to what seems like our normal room but things are not the same. Because of room and privacy she and Phil have there own room now and have for several weeks. It began when she stopped sleeping in our room and began sleeping on the couch with Phil. No one is to blame except myself. I think the years of hurting and jealousy really broke our relationship down. We would date a guy because the two of us apparently love men and then I would lose my mind. I was posessive and overbearing and eventually she gave up trying to be with the same person because she could not handle how I would treat her out of jealousy. You know a lot of that jealousy is really all about my own lack of confidence and self respect. I think the thought that she is small and maneuverable and I am quite the latter made me fear the sexual comparison. I can not do the things she can and I am not tiny like she is... I began to find myself hating the way I look and hating the way seeing tiny clothes and a pirfect body everyday made me feel. This was not her fault.. she has always loved me. Only now am I beginning to feel the reality of everything. Technically in all sence of the word we are no longer in a relationship such as a couple would be. We have a relationship that is a dire friendship. I love her like I always have but something inside of me hurts more deeply that I can convay on screen. The times we shared.. the way she touched me. The image of myself in mere comparison is enough to bring me to tears. What made me so bitter and jealous? What made me drive her further and further away? Why did I beg her to stay when I knew that eventually she would need what I could not give her. I will never understand why I am who I am or why I feel the way I do. It is certainly not a lack of love because at the thought of her being gone from my life forever I tremble and shake. The truth is that no one ever related to me the way she had. She has always been sensitive to my feelings when I had no one else to turn to, no one I would trust enough to tell. This has been eating me alove for a few months and I feel the need to voice this to you my most trusted few. I love Anthony with everything I am. I have given him all of me that I have to give. He loves me and I can feel it .. I am sure of it. How can you explain to the person your in love with that you hurt to the depths of your very being because you feel this horrible loss. That you can not shake the feeling of losing one of the only people you have ever really loved since you were a teenager? Even though I know I have not lost her... it feels so fucked up. I no longer run to her to hold me when I am hurt. When he and I have a falling out I can not bare for her to comfort me because he should be the one, not her. She told me the other day, as we separated our clothes for the first time in over nine years, that she has always loved me and she always will and as much as that hurts to hear I think I needed to hear it. I can not stop loving her even now in lieu of these revelations. These feelings I am having are not new. Although not many knew, I have always had these insecurities. When we would be with a man and I would think I had missed something... I lost my fucking mind. I would be hateful and cold for long periods of time towards her for no reason. I am too possessive and I would make her cry. Years back I told her this would be the future. I could see it clear as day. I told her not to waste her time loving me because I knew she would one day meet someone who is everything I am not. He would love her in ways I am unable because I am fucked up. He would give her a child because I knew how bad she desired a family that I could not give that to her. Now this premonition has become reality and I am awestruck at the accuracy. Did I make it happen because I am fucked up in the head or did I actually see the future - that no matter how hard I tried would be our fate? Don't get me wrong I love Phil probably more than he will ever know. I respect him because he has cared for her in ways I never did. I just feel this pain that shakes me from the time I wake until the time I sleep. I failed her in more ways than anyone will ever know. I pushed her away because I was stupid and human. Anthony tried to keep it together and he tried to understand but her fear of a repeat emotional rollercoaster kept her far away from both of us, especially him- for fear of me. I had hurt her emotionally too many times. There was no way I could ever mend those scars and no way to fix what I had long ago broken and never mended because I was merely unable to force myself to stop. Each day things get a little easier. I almost find it easier to think of her as being his and not my own because then I don't feel this immense feeling of it being so wrong. I do not feel so betrayed by myself or anyone else. I want to repeat that I love Phil and that I blame nothing on him if anything I owe him for making her happy when I could not. He was merely thrown into something I think he hardly understood. The facade of normality between Bernadette and I could not go on forever. She and I were drifting apart sexually and emotionally even then. I could not lock her away from everything being miserable.. just to keep her. It was wrong of me to try. Now that things have changed everyone is relatively happy. She loves him with everything she has and that is the way it should be. He is the father of her unborn child and her lover in all senses of the word. I can see they match far better than she and I ever did. I look at pictures of us and I think that we were young and we clung together against the odds. She knows things about my emotions that no one will ever get to experience. I was lucky she stuck around because without her I doubt I would have made it. At times I truly wanted to die.. I wanted to give up because I no longer had Damon and I knew he had a new family hundreds of miles away. I knew she loved me and she needed me and in only that I was able to go on. She convinced me I was not worthless in times I felt hardly human and she loved me even when I was so depressed I could not get out of bed. You know women often are so much more sensitive. She still can look at me and see that something is wrong without me saying a word.. because she knows me. Anthony breaks all of the stigmas I have always associated with men. He cares for me and often he can see through me better than I can see myself. He is certainly not as emotional as I am nor is he as irrational and those are all good things. I think I feared no man would ever know me in such a manner again after Howard. He does not placate my emotions or fears such as she always has but that is okay.. maybe I need to stop placating and begin to grow stronger. I feel stronger now that I am getting my education and he supports me. He sits here with me when I am lonely doing school work and he rubs my shoulders because they get tense from typing for hours on end and he pays more attention to me than any man ever has. He loves to go places and he holds me at night. I can not ask for anything more because there is nothing more I need. It is hard to explain to a person who cares for me with such lack of reserve (in showing it) that I still hurt so bad that I often cry myself to sleep. Not because I am dissatisfied but because I feel this immense loss for the woman I called me own... and only my own and never anyone else's. This woman who nursed me to health and helped me care for my child.. I can not put into words the joys and pains we have experienced. I look forward to experiencing those things with him and growing closer by the day. I look forward to eventually holding our child and seeing ourselves within that being we will create. I look forward to getting past this pain and feeling those unexplainable joys. For now I must heal a whole lifetimes worth of pain. I must come to terms with my own faults and my own shortcomings. I must grow to be a stronger person so I can give myself without baggage. It will be hard and I know I can do it. I just need a little time to find myself again so I can be as good to him as he is to me. I just hope he has th patience because there is no one else I want more.

07 Sep 2007 20:54 - Listen up - B named him Mathias Current mood: listening to Anthony drum!!! So to you who are lame and never go to Bernadette's page I thought you should know that the baby is a boy and he is going to have the first name Mathias. Yes to you know know me well you will know I lost a friend named Mathias this year and although Bernadette did not know him she and Phil heard the name and loved it.. it means something to me. I want you all to write to her because she feels like no one really cares.. she posted the sex of the baby days ago and still she has only three replys. Please do my this favor and respond to her post and not mine. Her post is below...

Marriage

So a few months ago I announced my intent to marry Mr Anthony Kerr. We had been pawning over the detail of spontaneous vs. planned. After witnessing all of the troubles arise from a very unplanned marriage, we decided to plan it out. We are getting married justice of the peace style legally first. We are planning the wedding ceremony to not be the actual legal wedding but the symbolic one.

I am currently helping Jon, my brother, plan his wedding as well. This should help keep the tasks fresh in my mind - hopefully keeping me focused (doubtful).I helped design the invitations and helped pick the dress out (I had fun doing it) and it gave me a few ideas. It is fantastic Jon is getting married, I love Emily.

Because of our eccentric tastes we have opted to buy most stuff online. This is nice because it gives me the chance to show the stuff and get response before I buy it. We have already picked out our rings from the Pyramid Collection and have picked out my wedding dress (yes he helped and I don't care). We are pawning over what style he wants to wear. We decided to have a black wedding with red and white accents so this will be interesting. I want to feel like an evil princess lol I want a sparkle black tiara and a black veil. I am thrilled he wants to do it this way. So far we think it will be out side. If it rains... I hope it rains hard.

I do not want it to be a gawdy black wedding either. I want something sleek going on (as I sound completely the opposite). I am hoping that people respect my wish for red black or white, at least nothing obscenely bright (please) (save white of course). I was going to get the traditional Renessance dress but I have decided to go a little more sleek in all black with hints of dark red as accents such as jewelry. I am not having brides mades or anything like that to save on cash. I can not afford to pay for a bunch of dresses and such. I don't want some jerk to screw up my photos by looking the odd one out in a sunshine yellow dress or array of various fun flowers (mom). If anyone has any ideas let me know. I would like to shoot for early October.


So here we go you guys.. into the whole wide world of planning... I picked out my dress.. here is the link

DRESS



We also picked out our rings:



We have yet to pick a location but that is the least of the details I am worried about.

Surgery... My medical History

To you who already know the story of my medical crap you can skip the first paragraph other wise it is important to understand the procedure. Enough people ahve asked that I explain so I opted to not have to mail it 20 times.


Over the past 10 years I have had many surgeries to remove cysts from my body. I had my first surgery on my Wrist when I was 19. Then, then I was 21we found out I have endometriosis and I had a lap surgery to remove the tissue growing in my abdomen at an apparently rapid rate. Then when I was 22 I had surgery on my back to remove a pilonidal cyst. The excision was 7x5 inches. At the same time I had a cyst removed from my labia Majora, called a Bartholin cyst. They diagnosed me as "cystic". A few years later it became aware that I had MRSA. I had cysts all over my body from the time I was 12 until now. They vary in severity but most can be cared for at home. Over the past two years I have been aware of a ovarian cyst that was supposed to go away on its own and seemed to be just sitting there. Because there no increase no decrease in size the doctors opted to leave it there. It has caused me much pain and irregularities. This year it went from the size of a pea to the resemblance in shape and size of a large Kiwi. The problem is that I lost my left tube in a 5 month tubal four years ago. It happened right after my back surgery. It caused me to have frequent PID infections. When they did the tests to see if I had abnormalities in cell structure they found ASCUS which is a type of warning might-be-cancer cells.


I am having a four (wtf) part procedure. The first part will be a lap and a D&C to clean out the Uterus and look for fibroids which can make a positive ASCUS result. They will then burn away the endometriosis they find. After that they will remove the cyst from the overy. They then need to repair the tube if needed and of not they have to shoot dye through it to make sure the tube is functional. It will take several hours and I have to stay two or three days depending on the assessment. If they need to they might have to do a laparotomy which is kind of like a c section in case the procedure requires more arm room. I know that was long but its hard to explain.


The results...

A lack of a huge cyst, A fixed tube and a diagnosis for the frequent infections, Less painful endo tissue, Painless sex?.. maybe I don't know yet.. I am scared about that part because I am seriously used to it. A few more sweet scars? I will know if I can naturally reproduce or -for that matter- at all. If they find fibroids, as suspected, I have to have another procedure after I am healed to remove them.

Much of the terms I use because I have dealt with it for so long. I don't mind. It's actually nice to talk about it.

Tomorrow morning I will know when I must go. I am seriously terrified. I think I have never been so terrified in my entire life. I want children so bad you guys that it shakes my entire foundation and effects me to the bone. I feel breathless at times... I have been crying uncontrollably. I can't help it. The thought of never being able to experience what I loved and lost is breaking me slowly. I miss my child and wanted nothing more than the chance to do it again and hold and love and be there.... wtf...

Still in Colorado.. not for long

So this is our last night in Estes Park, Rocky Mountain National. We go home tomarrow morning. I am looking forward to it. I miss our people. Anthony and I have silver pinkey rings.. It so special lol. Were freaking dorks but whatever. We may take a couple of days to get home opposed to driving through.. thats a bitch. Anthony's dad bought us some cool stuff. ANthony has a giant freezer mug and I have silver earrings made of real blue opal... they are beautiful and I love them. I am glad I got a dress for the wedding that I can wear everywhere... its pretty nice, simple.. It was a rather relaxed day compared to the others. We had food at A&W and drove to a few fly shops after going deep into Rocky Mt National... Bear lake and took pictures of Longs Peek which is among the highest peeks along the entire mountain... 14000 above sea level.. beautiful. It rained today so no ficking... :( the guys were pretty bummed. SO I am going to take a shower and drink a few cups of Joe and then hit the hay... lol I am pretty exausted from this really bad sunburn. I love and miss you all <3

First three days in colorado

22 Jul 2007 Colorado

We reached Colorado today after two long days of driving through the most corn fields I have ever seen. So far we have stayed at two decent hotels and had lunch in a rest/park thing. The mountains are not really within sight here in port-something. We did go to a few large fishing/camping everything else super stores which was pretty sweet. I was stung or bit tonight by something on the uper underarm. We are watching a special on Egypt and relaxing right now. Tomarrow is an early start to make way to Estes Park. We will be staying in rocky national park for about a week if everything goes right. Oh and I should say that this computer only has MSN so I am using aim moile which sucks but it will work. My grades are still not in but my teacher says they will be by tomarrow so getting my loan will be easy because they will probably give the school the request around tuesday and by then I will have my new GPA. I know I probably did not get two A's this semester but I am sure I got at least a B. I am pretty excited about it though because it was a pretty difficult class. Well I am really tired and I need to lie down. I love you all... I will be online late tomarrow night. <3 <3 ... I can not find the camera right now either which sucks because I was going to put some pictures online tonight... I will do it tomarrow probably .. save I have not lost it :{ if this is the case I suppose I will have to get a new one when I get home.


23 Jul 2007

Colorado - Rocky Mt National park and Estes Park Current mood: peaceful
I have uploaded pictures on Myspace (search dreadthedays@gmail.com if you have one because you have to be a member to see them), fortunatly we found the camera. I have been eating rock candy made from the best chocolate I have ever had. Anthony and his dad are fishing today while I hang were with Ben. I don't mind because I know it is really hot out and I do not want to get any more of a tan than I already have. I did, however, forget to bring my freaking dress for the wedding but Anthony's dad Fred is going to help me out on that because he rocks hard core. I am having the time of my life. I have been to the top of the rocky mountains now at a whopping 12,000 ft above sea level. I was scared and clung to the door and Anthony the whole way up. Some jackass was riding our ass for like 20 min and it sucked a lot because it made the ride pretty high tension.. as if it was not enough to begin with. The Inn that we are at is pretty sweet. We are all in the same room which is different. I do have wifi though so I can not complain. Last night I got online and realized that I forgot to post an assignment and had to download openoffice and make the assignment to turn it in only an hour before the deadline! it was a rat race... Today I cleaned the room and went to get som sugar for my tea.. when I returned Ben was on the bed and a little chipmonk was running all over the room!! I was like WTF! it was halarious. I am deleting a few pictures from my album to make room so don't be upset when there are less pics of the twins lol. Today we hit the shopping scene in the heart of Estes park which I am excited about because Anthony's dad pointed out a sweet store called Lithium and I want to know what it is all about. Last night we had some of the best Pizza I have ever had at chicago style pizza joint. There was a cute girl who gave Anthony the look over a few times and I giggled because I am not sure if he noticed but I sure did. The trip here was painstaking because 99% of every state on the way was pretty much all corn. Iowa had a pretty cool downtown scene near the campus for Iowa State.. athough most of it were bleach blond upscale snob nose chicks with small dogs... yeah your telling me. I got your mssg Bernadette and I appreciate your taking care of stuff while I am away. I really do not want Serra calling the freaking phone anymore. I am two steps from pressing harasment charges. She is NOT allowed at our house EVER and if anything comes up missing Anthony said George will be responsable and he was a bit upset but I think he will get over it if things are okay at home and she never comes back again He likes George enough to overlook it one.. I think. Right now he is in waiters in the center of Estes park fishing for Trout which is cool. Ben is watching movies as usual. Last night we met up with Amelia and her crew at a little resturant in the senter of town and had some tea. I am now sitting on the porch in the wind under an umbrella next to a beautiful river. I can hear birds and I see chipmonks playing in the grass.. it is peaceful. Nothing about the loan has been in yet but I expect confirmation soon. If I get anything in the mail please put it aside for me unless it is from citibank and in that case open it, read it and report to me what it says because I need to know in order to take care of those bills we owe. If the phone gets shut off I can not help until I get home... I doubt it but it might because of the $80.00 we owe because of the min used while we were camping.. yeah I know I iwll deal with it when I get home. I will take more pictures later on today and I will post some more tonight. I miss you guys a lot. I saw an indian store and I thought about the two of you... you kno who you are lol.. my dark haired lanky ones... <3<3.. My science Grade was posted today.. I figured I was going to get a c.. I got an A- ... if I get an A in my world religion class I will be thrilled because my GPA will go up yet again. I am sooo excited about that because I will be on the National Deans list again for the 7th semester in a row. I am proud of myself.

24 Jul 2007 Colorado update

Well... the wedding is finally over which is good because I think it was really stressing everyone out. It was beautiful and I took lots of pictures. I have the worst sunburn I have had in years... I am serious its freaking bad... I have blisters in places. We had Buffalo and lamb today at a rustic resturant close to the Inn we are staying at. We are staying the night tomarrow at a lower price motel in town... Anthony's dad decided to stay an extra night to get the best out of the trip after two days of running around and waiting to hear the plans for today. I hurt like hell and my legs are swollen to all get out. The mountains make me feel a little weak. I am going swimming tonight I think.. we will see. I can not get into the hot tub now because it would hurt like hell. Anthony avoided a sunburn but Ben is pretty bad too- which I feel aboud about for not remembering to put sunblock on him.... no one did. We are currentl watching Romeo and Juilet. I think I might take a nap... <3 I miss you all. I iwll nprobably not post anymore pictures until I get home... to much of a hastle. I miss you Bernadette, Phil, George, Thom, Andrew, Wes, April, Ryan, Kc and everyone else that I forgot to mention... much love we will be home by Sunday.

Jesus and Mohammed

You know I am not a Christian but I have to say that I am glad that the United States is more so than freaking Muslim. I say this because I am about to finish a class about world religion and I did a 3000 word essay by choice on the comparative lives of Jesus and Mohammad. I find that Mohammed was a child molesting bastard. I say this with absolutely no disrespect to his followers but instead the man himself. Who in their right mind would marry a 6 year old? It blows my mind that an entire religion was based around such a sick freak. Then to those people who follow the religion I figure you just disregard that part? I would hope so.. if not I mean you as much disrespect as I meant to him.

Updating

So we have picked out the rings and probably the clothes too. Its going ot be a grand wedding I am sure of it. I am looking forward to getting away from everyone fro a min. Anthony's family is taking me fishing in Colorado. Oh yeah, were going to see his sister get hitched but the main focus for me here is the fishing... We just got back from Ludington State park and now don a cute little park sticker on the windshield for the year. I wonder what they do when there are ten? I wonder if you have to have them removed so it does not obstruct the drivers vision.

I went to the hospital today to have more tests done. My Dr. was in fear of uterine tumors and now I fear by the look of the ultrasound that she may be correct. They took a blood test and stuff too so hopefully it is not too bad. My blood pressure is certainly low which is a good thing.

Andrew, our little prestiges Surgeon in waiting is in Ann Arbor working on cadaver bodies to practice technique. He is certainly a good thing in my life. I like having that positive influence on the youth. He is only 16 and he has so much ahead of him!

My grandfather in in the hospital and my Grandmother is refusing to eat. He has a heart attack last night. They said the blockage is gone bu that he is going to be held in ICU over night. I will have him on my mind and I will light a candle for him in hope and honor.

My Requested Update

So some major developments have come about as of recent.

Anthony purchased he and I our fishing licenses. I have been camping non stop living off the land for 3 or four days at a time. I caught a 16 inch Large Mouth Bass At His grandmothers lake which kicked so much ass... I improved my cast arm and learned how to navigate top lures in lily pads at night. We went camping to Montcalm county and visited about 10 lakes in the matter of three days. We saw an Amish couple at the store. Took a picture of the Potato Monkey bar and grill sign and drove over 400 miles or so.


This morning the Doctor told me that my MRSA is getting worse. My T cell count is down so far that she said it looks like an HIV patient - but that I indeed DO NOT have HIV so thats always reassuring... I am now on five medications. The bacteria is so bad I have sores on several parts of my body that are severly painful. They are absessed and they scare me. People who have the Infection that I have can never get rid of it and are always at risk of losing a limb or appendage. I have to be seriously careful that I do as I am told or this might become my fate. I have to wash myself with alcahol now when I shower if I intend to shave and I am supposed to soak my blade in alcahol as well.

I am now a decent bowler... 115 average so yeah I guess thats better than a 66... I still have A's and one B+ in college and my GPA is a 3.83. I just completed my first year with a whopping 24 credit total credits and above average scores so I am very excited and proud. I am now an Allumni and a professional student so I can get more money which is always a good thing. I want to buy a car.

My pass plan approved me for 1500.00 for a car and 900.00 for supplies over a course of 6 months. Then I save for the house. I am really getting somwhere. I have to save the money over the course of the year and I can only spend it on a vehicle I am buying or to fix one I already own. This is still fantastic news. Too bad I am not in better health or I would be able to enjoy it a little more. I feel like some days I am just going through the motions.

My Religions of the world class really has made me open my eyes to Hindu religion. I am loving every minuite of it. There is also other fucking HUGE news going on here at the circus house. Brace yoursef. My brothers girlfriend is pregnant so I am going to be an aunt. Bernadette is Pregnant. I will leave you with that and maybe I will get a few comments. <3 CALL ME

Update

I am joining the Peace Corp. I will be leaving in two and a half years. I am shooting for Thailand. Anthony and I are getting married by some guy at the courthouse in a tacky suit as soon as we spontaneously decide to go. I am excited because who knows when it could be. lol

I made new art but it is all on myspace and right now my myspace is kind of screwed until I work on it.

A Standardized Rant

This has been a long fought over topic “Does ethnicity go further than skin deep?” This is a good question and surely no one has the answer. Many factors have to be taken into consideration. Did you know that standardized testing to back up this theory has very biased results? I have been reading about this topic for quite some time. I was intrigued by the subject and at one point thought “maybe it does go further than the skin”. It seems like Whites are inherently smarter. It seems this way because the test results show so. I also want to include that it was found that the best scores on most tests are coincidentally the creator of the test itself, pretty funny huh? I thought so. Taking everything into account there have been studies done for a long time to try to prove that one race is smarter than another. Whites take the cake on making tests that make them appear smarter. Often tests that prove differently are discarded. There are far too many factors to consider getting accurate results. It is said that brain size can prove something, and then we realized that we were wrong. How many more tests will some white collar Caucasian have to make to satisfy White’s ego? I think we have taken enough tests to last a lifetime. We know that Blacks have more testosterone and thus are more violent. They also say that white men are more likely to be serial killers, is that not a violent act? Maybe if there was a really good test that showed who made better liars we would get some real results. I suppose there might be some tiny difference there, which we might see in a controlled environment, if the babies were not made from test tubes. We should stop trying to identify a problem and just fix it. We should stop trying to point fingers and hold hands. I am so tired of ranting white, right wing scientists who think they are smarter because they inherited billions and invested it all into one biased test that “proves” that they are indeed the smartest out of anyone, ever. Just be sensitive. Love one another. Invest time if you care enough but please do us all a favor, don’t make another overrated standardized test. lol

What is this?

Reaching out I feel empty handed

In the dark I look towards the obvious

Before me on the floor wrapped in another's skin

This is something I know not if I will ever grow accustomed

I feel this immense loss

It was because of our distance that you would seek another to fill it

Would it ever be the same?

I think the future is spilling out before us

The future I don't see

No dreams or premonition has given me glance

I would sooner fight for what is my own than raise the flag

But what is a flag that stands for little

But a reminder of what is no longer whole

Yet we depend on each other for what I no longer know

I go without you and when you need me I am there

I will never understand what this is, or is not

All I understand is this vast jealousy for what was and is no more

I don't hold you, and you rarely me

It is another's love and hand that aids, not my own

It is another's hand I seek for comfort because yours are full

I wish I would see a premonitory sign of what will be

Without reason we continue in none but love

What is love if nothing is left to show it?

What is love that is so easily replaced?

This all consuming fear and lack of reason succumbs

For fear is what drowns me nightly

Sleep evades or all consumes

I never took it well no matter of selfishness

I am thus the selfish and have always been

It is no surprise that I fight every step of the way

It's no surprise that I have cried myself to sleep in the sound of you

My spirit, as torn and worn as it is, is not fairing well

My conscious riddled with no acceptable excuse

When you went away with what I call my own

I lay there alone wishing one of the two were there

Because your own finds itself away from me

Away from me as far as it can

It keeps its place until you return

Only to remind me of what we will never be

What I can never give

What it will never respond to

What in vein I have tried to claim

In the night you stay far from us

In the day you slumber until it is too late

What we once were is becoming nothing but memory

Holding onto the little things that we have managed to salvage

I know not what to expect or force

I know not what to feel or remorse

I wander in and out of the reality of this union

What is union without touch?

What is union without comfort?

When the dark sets in and I reach out

In the sounds of you there, without me

The sounds that you tolerated so much

What I find myself so hard to swallow

When your evading our once shard space

Only to find the new space with another

On the day I needed you there to hold my hand

When I was scared for the pain I may endure

You slept in the place you no longer join us

When I was away you must have found it better

So I face this fear head strong with my own conviction

It is my own conviction that brought us here

In this divide I find myself before my own demons

In a place I know all too well

A place you know better than I

For once I see the position you took unwilling

And thus the position we all face now

What will tomorrow bring, what uncomforting?

What injustice will we endure, what offering?

Will we make it into the night holding once more?

Or will I find the strength of another holding me together?

Will we all grip each other tight in resilience?

When the world outside of the door convicts us

Is this love we all share or just an occurrence of situation?

Because the glue that binds us is losing hold

Because the agreement we have made cares not of feeling

When we agreed did we agree to sorrow?

Should I bear that sorrow of my own because I once inflicted it?

Is this nothing but my punishment….

Tonight

I am reminded of my alcoholic father. I remember him falling all over the house. I also remember other family members being so trashed that they did stupid shit like piss on the furniture. As funny as it may seem I think I see it as more sad than anything. Pissing away money and time being so fucked up that they don't know there own name. The boys naked and silly in the kitchen when I woke up. I was annoyed more than anything and now I feel kind of sick about it now that the reality of it has hit me. The closest person to me for years catering to the asshole-ism that breeds from such nights, wondering if she too may be reminded of her own father. It makes me want to stop this but I know I can't. I wonder if someday Anthony will get sick of the situation and put an end to all of this. She brushing the hair out of the face of a man who can hardly see her. A man who has a problem. I know she is not strong enough to end it. I am sick about her future. I am sick about how I will not be able to handle the retarded alcoholism that is obviously a disease. A man who does not know his limits because he has done this for so long. What do you do when you see things change for the worse and you know it could effect you for the rest of your life? He has had an application for over a week now and has made no attempt to get a job and help support what we have here. He would rather smoke all of our cigarettes and drink until he falls on his pitiful face. END

Depression

I am fucking depressed. I feel fat and unattractive. I don't really know how to go about it. Its damn near borderline dangerous. I am not sure what plan of action I will take but it has to be fast. If not I am worried about the effects both physically and mentally. I will be fine so don't go worry your self about it. I am sure I will pull of of this somehow.. I need to clean this body of toxins and eat right. I need to work out and feel energy again. I need something.... anything, to make me bright again. I am in a dim and it feels like cold.

My education

I am going into journalism. I want to travel. I need to see the pain of the world to feel as if I might nullify some of the pain. I am a good person, where are all the other good people? where do they go... how do I find them?

My life story has been removed, avlbl upon request

I am working on my story. I have new reason to drive myself to finish my story in a timely manner. There is so much to say, so much to do. To you that I just met, to you whom is already a matter of my heart. Thank you for Loving me.

My Autobiography - A Little At At time

I removed this copy to update the new. I am sorry if you did not have the chance to read it. It is gone forever.