3/27/07

What is this?

Reaching out I feel empty handed

In the dark I look towards the obvious

Before me on the floor wrapped in another's skin

This is something I know not if I will ever grow accustomed

I feel this immense loss

It was because of our distance that you would seek another to fill it

Would it ever be the same?

I think the future is spilling out before us

The future I don't see

No dreams or premonition has given me glance

I would sooner fight for what is my own than raise the flag

But what is a flag that stands for little

But a reminder of what is no longer whole

Yet we depend on each other for what I no longer know

I go without you and when you need me I am there

I will never understand what this is, or is not

All I understand is this vast jealousy for what was and is no more

I don't hold you, and you rarely me

It is another's love and hand that aids, not my own

It is another's hand I seek for comfort because yours are full

I wish I would see a premonitory sign of what will be

Without reason we continue in none but love

What is love if nothing is left to show it?

What is love that is so easily replaced?

This all consuming fear and lack of reason succumbs

For fear is what drowns me nightly

Sleep evades or all consumes

I never took it well no matter of selfishness

I am thus the selfish and have always been

It is no surprise that I fight every step of the way

It's no surprise that I have cried myself to sleep in the sound of you

My spirit, as torn and worn as it is, is not fairing well

My conscious riddled with no acceptable excuse

When you went away with what I call my own

I lay there alone wishing one of the two were there

Because your own finds itself away from me

Away from me as far as it can

It keeps its place until you return

Only to remind me of what we will never be

What I can never give

What it will never respond to

What in vein I have tried to claim

In the night you stay far from us

In the day you slumber until it is too late

What we once were is becoming nothing but memory

Holding onto the little things that we have managed to salvage

I know not what to expect or force

I know not what to feel or remorse

I wander in and out of the reality of this union

What is union without touch?

What is union without comfort?

When the dark sets in and I reach out

In the sounds of you there, without me

The sounds that you tolerated so much

What I find myself so hard to swallow

When your evading our once shard space

Only to find the new space with another

On the day I needed you there to hold my hand

When I was scared for the pain I may endure

You slept in the place you no longer join us

When I was away you must have found it better

So I face this fear head strong with my own conviction

It is my own conviction that brought us here

In this divide I find myself before my own demons

In a place I know all too well

A place you know better than I

For once I see the position you took unwilling

And thus the position we all face now

What will tomorrow bring, what uncomforting?

What injustice will we endure, what offering?

Will we make it into the night holding once more?

Or will I find the strength of another holding me together?

Will we all grip each other tight in resilience?

When the world outside of the door convicts us

Is this love we all share or just an occurrence of situation?

Because the glue that binds us is losing hold

Because the agreement we have made cares not of feeling

When we agreed did we agree to sorrow?

Should I bear that sorrow of my own because I once inflicted it?

Is this nothing but my punishment….