Reaching out I feel empty handed
In the dark I look towards the obvious
Before me on the floor wrapped in another's skin
This is something I know not if I will ever grow accustomed
I feel this immense loss
It was because of our distance that you would seek another to fill it
Would it ever be the same?
I think the future is spilling out before us
The future I don't see
No dreams or premonition has given me glance
I would sooner fight for what is my own than raise the flag
But what is a flag that stands for little
But a reminder of what is no longer whole
Yet we depend on each other for what I no longer know
I go without you and when you need me I am there
I will never understand what this is, or is not
All I understand is this vast jealousy for what was and is no more
I don't hold you, and you rarely me
It is another's love and hand that aids, not my own
It is another's hand I seek for comfort because yours are full
I wish I would see a premonitory sign of what will be
Without reason we continue in none but love
What is love if nothing is left to show it?
What is love that is so easily replaced?
This all consuming fear and lack of reason succumbs
For fear is what drowns me nightly
Sleep evades or all consumes
I never took it well no matter of selfishness
I am thus the selfish and have always been
It is no surprise that I fight every step of the way
It's no surprise that I have cried myself to sleep in the sound of you
My spirit, as torn and worn as it is, is not fairing well
My conscious riddled with no acceptable excuse
When you went away with what I call my own
I lay there alone wishing one of the two were there
Because your own finds itself away from me
Away from me as far as it can
It keeps its place until you return
Only to remind me of what we will never be
What I can never give
What it will never respond to
What in vein I have tried to claim
In the night you stay far from us
In the day you slumber until it is too late
What we once were is becoming nothing but memory
Holding onto the little things that we have managed to salvage
I know not what to expect or force
I know not what to feel or remorse
I wander in and out of the reality of this union
What is union without touch?
What is union without comfort?
When the dark sets in and I reach out
In the sounds of you there, without me
The sounds that you tolerated so much
What I find myself so hard to swallow
When your evading our once shard space
Only to find the new space with another
On the day I needed you there to hold my hand
When I was scared for the pain I may endure
You slept in the place you no longer join us
When I was away you must have found it better
So I face this fear head strong with my own conviction
It is my own conviction that brought us here
In this divide I find myself before my own demons
In a place I know all too well
A place you know better than I
For once I see the position you took unwilling
And thus the position we all face now
What will tomorrow bring, what uncomforting?
What injustice will we endure, what offering?
Will we make it into the night holding once more?
Or will I find the strength of another holding me together?
Will we all grip each other tight in resilience?
When the world outside of the door convicts us
Is this love we all share or just an occurrence of situation?
Because the glue that binds us is losing hold
Because the agreement we have made cares not of feeling
When we agreed did we agree to sorrow?
Should I bear that sorrow of my own because I once inflicted it?
Is this nothing but my punishment….
I am reminded of my alcoholic father. I remember him falling all over the house. I also remember other family members being so trashed that they did stupid shit like piss on the furniture. As funny as it may seem I think I see it as more sad than anything. Pissing away money and time being so fucked up that they don't know there own name. The boys naked and silly in the kitchen when I woke up. I was annoyed more than anything and now I feel kind of sick about it now that the reality of it has hit me. The closest person to me for years catering to the asshole-ism that breeds from such nights, wondering if she too may be reminded of her own father. It makes me want to stop this but I know I can't. I wonder if someday Anthony will get sick of the situation and put an end to all of this. She brushing the hair out of the face of a man who can hardly see her. A man who has a problem. I know she is not strong enough to end it. I am sick about her future. I am sick about how I will not be able to handle the retarded alcoholism that is obviously a disease. A man who does not know his limits because he has done this for so long. What do you do when you see things change for the worse and you know it could effect you for the rest of your life? He has had an application for over a week now and has made no attempt to get a job and help support what we have here. He would rather smoke all of our cigarettes and drink until he falls on his pitiful face. END
I am fucking depressed. I feel fat and unattractive. I don't really know how to go about it. Its damn near borderline dangerous. I am not sure what plan of action I will take but it has to be fast. If not I am worried about the effects both physically and mentally. I will be fine so don't go worry your self about it. I am sure I will pull of of this somehow.. I need to clean this body of toxins and eat right. I need to work out and feel energy again. I need something.... anything, to make me bright again. I am in a dim and it feels like cold.