What is this?

Reaching out I feel empty handed

In the dark I look towards the obvious

Before me on the floor wrapped in another's skin

This is something I know not if I will ever grow accustomed

I feel this immense loss

It was because of our distance that you would seek another to fill it

Would it ever be the same?

I think the future is spilling out before us

The future I don't see

No dreams or premonition has given me glance

I would sooner fight for what is my own than raise the flag

But what is a flag that stands for little

But a reminder of what is no longer whole

Yet we depend on each other for what I no longer know

I go without you and when you need me I am there

I will never understand what this is, or is not

All I understand is this vast jealousy for what was and is no more

I don't hold you, and you rarely me

It is another's love and hand that aids, not my own

It is another's hand I seek for comfort because yours are full

I wish I would see a premonitory sign of what will be

Without reason we continue in none but love

What is love if nothing is left to show it?

What is love that is so easily replaced?

This all consuming fear and lack of reason succumbs

For fear is what drowns me nightly

Sleep evades or all consumes

I never took it well no matter of selfishness

I am thus the selfish and have always been

It is no surprise that I fight every step of the way

It's no surprise that I have cried myself to sleep in the sound of you

My spirit, as torn and worn as it is, is not fairing well

My conscious riddled with no acceptable excuse

When you went away with what I call my own

I lay there alone wishing one of the two were there

Because your own finds itself away from me

Away from me as far as it can

It keeps its place until you return

Only to remind me of what we will never be

What I can never give

What it will never respond to

What in vein I have tried to claim

In the night you stay far from us

In the day you slumber until it is too late

What we once were is becoming nothing but memory

Holding onto the little things that we have managed to salvage

I know not what to expect or force

I know not what to feel or remorse

I wander in and out of the reality of this union

What is union without touch?

What is union without comfort?

When the dark sets in and I reach out

In the sounds of you there, without me

The sounds that you tolerated so much

What I find myself so hard to swallow

When your evading our once shard space

Only to find the new space with another

On the day I needed you there to hold my hand

When I was scared for the pain I may endure

You slept in the place you no longer join us

When I was away you must have found it better

So I face this fear head strong with my own conviction

It is my own conviction that brought us here

In this divide I find myself before my own demons

In a place I know all too well

A place you know better than I

For once I see the position you took unwilling

And thus the position we all face now

What will tomorrow bring, what uncomforting?

What injustice will we endure, what offering?

Will we make it into the night holding once more?

Or will I find the strength of another holding me together?

Will we all grip each other tight in resilience?

When the world outside of the door convicts us

Is this love we all share or just an occurrence of situation?

Because the glue that binds us is losing hold

Because the agreement we have made cares not of feeling

When we agreed did we agree to sorrow?

Should I bear that sorrow of my own because I once inflicted it?

Is this nothing but my punishment….



I am reminded of my alcoholic father. I remember him falling all over the house. I also remember other family members being so trashed that they did stupid shit like piss on the furniture. As funny as it may seem I think I see it as more sad than anything. Pissing away money and time being so fucked up that they don't know there own name. The boys naked and silly in the kitchen when I woke up. I was annoyed more than anything and now I feel kind of sick about it now that the reality of it has hit me. The closest person to me for years catering to the asshole-ism that breeds from such nights, wondering if she too may be reminded of her own father. It makes me want to stop this but I know I can't. I wonder if someday Anthony will get sick of the situation and put an end to all of this. She brushing the hair out of the face of a man who can hardly see her. A man who has a problem. I know she is not strong enough to end it. I am sick about her future. I am sick about how I will not be able to handle the retarded alcoholism that is obviously a disease. A man who does not know his limits because he has done this for so long. What do you do when you see things change for the worse and you know it could effect you for the rest of your life? He has had an application for over a week now and has made no attempt to get a job and help support what we have here. He would rather smoke all of our cigarettes and drink until he falls on his pitiful face. END



I am fucking depressed. I feel fat and unattractive. I don't really know how to go about it. Its damn near borderline dangerous. I am not sure what plan of action I will take but it has to be fast. If not I am worried about the effects both physically and mentally. I will be fine so don't go worry your self about it. I am sure I will pull of of this somehow.. I need to clean this body of toxins and eat right. I need to work out and feel energy again. I need something.... anything, to make me bright again. I am in a dim and it feels like cold.


My education

I am going into journalism. I want to travel. I need to see the pain of the world to feel as if I might nullify some of the pain. I am a good person, where are all the other good people? where do they go... how do I find them?