Wheat, Wonder & What the Heck

Wheat, Water & What the Heck
By dreadthedays


The data and reports made about our food supply lately have me very concerned. what I have seen about the safety of our food seems incredibly biased, if not blatantly misleading. However, I mean no offense to bloggers or even reporters. It is not by any fault of theirs. I also want to make this clear... I have no stakes other than my health, the health of my fellow man, and the longevity of our lives invested in this rant.... So, with that being said...

I believe, wholeheartedly, that the lack of data is not only intentional, but a part of our food production system (or lack there of) and it is lawfully so. The deficit of clear and present, verifiable (while also trustworthy and reproducible) information, especially of food continuity and general health is not just assumed, but reportedly, owned by private corporations. This is not just some crazy, outlandish assumption, it is a fact.

From what I can find, our databases, quality reports and a general outlining of health has been essentially hijacked and, for the most part, fundamentally privatized. Furthermore, I propose that the very nature of privatization is what lends little confidence to the overall quality of information which is publically available.  Perhaps it is because negative data could, unfortunately, cost someone a little dough.

So, exactly what does this mean?  little qualified or official data is actually publically available for scrutiny. So... due to the abundance of misinformation, and substantial lack of comparative evidence.... people make stuff up. 

I  am resigned to believe that most of the "data", or that which is promoted as "truth" (with substantial disclaimers, of course) is, pretty much, most of the time, just a load of crap.

However, 30 years ago a study was proposed and conducted by some of the worlds top leading doctors. Surprisingly comprehensive, this 30+ year, long term, voluntary study is outstanding. It contains data of health exams, blood tests, imaging and mental health reports. It's kinda no wonder we didn't hear about it....
This massive study included a multitude of patients, with a variety of cohorts. The patients were a variety of ages. However, no real comparison study has been conducted. Though many small scale studies have, which seem to corroborate their findings. Sadly, The conclusions made were nothing short of alarming. Though many deductions were made, the most damning evidence is just plain awful. They deduced that it is incredibly viable that "wheat" is actually quite unhealthy.
So... it not so much that "wheat" is unhealthy but more specifically, which wheat....

This is NOT the same as That..... 

This study, and the multitude of others like it, concluded many potentially adverse health effects of the most widly used wheat type. The study is highly contriversial because it seeks to provide evidence against the current accepted data about precisely "whole grain wheat". It directly opposes studies pushed by physicians and nutritionists alike. Studies based on the generically used term: "Whole grain wheat". This is likely due to the fact that SOME wheat really is healthy. Misleadingly, the "evidence" we see has been purposefully weasel worded to confuse. So basically, the studies we use to form our general health advice, the advice given by most trusted professionals, we're performed on a different wheat grain entirely. Go figures, right.

To better explain, The grain we consume regularly in breads, crackers, cereals etc. which is textually written as "whole grain wheat" is, in the US 90% and worldwide with the US included 80% a very specific grain called "Dwarf Wheat". It is a mutated version of the old school grain our grandparents ate.

It is Heathfullnesses, Trust teh Ketteh

So what's the big deal with the dwarf variety and what do we use for our references when reporting that wheat is pretty awesome?

This is because it can yield up to 10x "standard"... As in ancient grains produce up to 10x less yeild. It was supposed to solve world hunger and in some ways, it has.... But at what cost? I would rather be slimmer, more healthy and have less food that be obease, sick and in abundance. This is an opinion post, not medical advice, I am not a doctor.... Just a conscientious person, with a lot of questions, in the wake of all this abounding and disturbing evidence.  Talk about a mouth full....

Wait so...

Yes, the grain that is used to prove and outline the health benefits of "whole grain" was actually called "Ancient Grain", it's that stuff I mentioned that our grandparents ate. Sadly these two foods are not even in the same ballpark, not in any respect. Well, maybe other than being food, which, after seeing the data, some people might even debate.

This hearty wheat variety, is what the majority, 80 give or take some % of the world, actually consumes, that being said... I just have a million more questions.

OMG, Just tell me,  Is it the DNA?

So, riddle me this... If Ancient Grains (molecular count 14) and Dwarf Wheat (molecular count 44) have the same health benefits then why?I say this because I should be able to deduce this since they seem to be using them all interchangeably, right. Then why not just use Dwarf wheat for the study, and avoid the confusion? That is, pretty much, why I am ranting.... are they actually interchangeable?
To be honest, That is pretty flipping doubtful.
Essentially, I think We have been fed "a whole lot of lies".


I bet it's Money

Well, I believe, it is because this chop-shopped hybrid "Dwarf Wheat" is just NOT good for you. but that it is outright dangerous. It has been correlated to a wide variety of health consequences. And... I am not promoting anything here but data, truth and my own research. I am not selling any books and I do not have any videos to show you... I suggest you do the research like I did and decide for yourself.

How about a Nana?

Here is a little story; My grandmother who is 86yo old has been insulin dependant all of her life. Up until 5 years ago, she was prescribed 3+ shots of insulin per day. I showed her the studies I found.

Turns out, A ton of people who found the same enlightening study I did, decided pretty much the same....cut it out, and see if it helps.  Many people reported cutting whole grain wheat from their diets to see if it might help their diabetes. Others were being if it might help their weight. So, after losing 65 lbs and feeling better bout muhself... she saw my progress and kinda just followed the same line of thinking.
She was confounded and angry that the studies I showed her went against everything she had been told and she wanted to know for herself.

First, she went to an allergist and had a gluten and wheat allergy test because if she was going to assume her results were not just an allergy issue thn she needed to know she was not allergic. I had honestly done the same and she had similar results. Though we were both allergic to a ton of other stuff,  She too was deemed NOT gluten intolerant not allergic to "wheat". Though as a side, I still kinda wonder which wheat was used for the allergy test but whatever. After she got her tests back, She figured, why not? She did, in direct opposition to her doctors advice (I don't advise), cut "whole grain wheat" from her diet and switched to good, old fashioned, generic white bread (without the whole grain). That was it. Nothing else.

So, at this point I'll skip the modern montage and fast forward.... to her results. It has been five years, and she has dropped 40lbs. and a ton of finger pricks later.... She still no longer eats "whole grain wheat". She has been taking, an outstanding 1/3 of her initial insulin. Her dementia has slowed and she no longer has constant kidney infections.

I realize, My Nana is not data, however, she is one of many insulin dependant people's who have realized that dwarf wheat, when sold as "whole grain wheat" is not the wheat of the past. At the lack of valid data "insert your own self study here" has become a nifty trend... and since we all have different issues, bodies and familial history sometimes this is the only kind of data we can trust.

I do not promote you rage out,  throw your insulin needle and pick up some white flour cookies. I am not promoting anything here other than my own observations, and for every person to choose for themselves what to do. So, do what you believe is good for yourself based on your own research.

I am, however, saying that dwarf wheat, when  sold as "whole grain wheat" COULD potentially be damaging to our brains, intestines, kidneys and might, therefore lower life expectancy....

This is according only to the multitude of studies of this kind that I have seen for myself so please do the same.

What's in the study? well...

These Studies have shown that fatty organ diseases, are "new diseases" and are found ONLY in the last 35ish years of human history. Which, are direct correlation to the mass production and use of wild hybridized dwarf wheat sold as, generically "whole grain wheat". I mean, Show me an unbiased comprehensive comparative study of dwarf wheat and Ancient Grains, please? It seems like I can't find any unbiased study that was simply conducted to save lives and improve heath with no other agenda. It is outright annoying. More importantly, the only comparison of the long term effects in correlation to inflammatory and "fatty organ" diseases was hardly unbiased. Actually, Show me ANY comparative study at ALL.... No seriously, that would be great.

As a person with a research degree, I decent at finding research. I have access to not only one University Library, but two. Yet still, I have yet to find one decent, accredited study. This is very interesting because tbh I find it rather upsettjng that  a long term study on dwarf wheat is not accessible. Some kind public data which shows it is safe for consumption without long life altering health effects would be pretty great. I do find it kindof telling that no food packaging must indicate when dwarf wheat is used while no data can be found on it's grain specific safety as whole grain or flour. However, foods containing ancient grains seem to always boast their use. I wonder why this is??

Wait, but where did these dwarves come from?

It should be noted, the very makeup of this grain is owned, down to it's molecular structure, it's very DNA. Otherwise noted, Dwarf Wheat is a mutated, hybridized, invasive grain and it is taking over the world's wheat supply.... Nooow, I have a few good (and potentially loaded) questions; why is it proprietary, who grants the copyright on such data and better yet.... how is it enforced? I will honestly leave these for a different rant but when you look it up you will be not just mystifyied, maybe outright enraged. I'll spot you a few links at the end, the rest is up to you.

So why they lie?

Well, I hypothesize that no comparison study has been done for one reason alone: mayhaps it's not advantageous for your health to consume the dwarf variety... IDN, seems logical... No study I have ever seen can deduce that dwarf wheat has the same benefit as ancient grain. Not one. You would think, that with all of the hype and concern surrounding obeasity, disease and gluten, that a real and comprehensive study would not only be necessary, but morally indicated considering the not only potential but known scope on our worldwide population.

I would dare call it legally binding to do as many studies as they can to provide, at least, public confidence. If anything, you know...to show a tad bit of concern about public health. A bit of proof is never counterintuitive to the powers that be....
right? eh... moving on.

So tell me, It's Not About money right?

I honestly do not understand why we have not demanded proof. Hey uh Government... gimmie Reports, studies, tests to support the numerous claims which you use to proove you have the best advise. Perhaps about both advantage of use, and even more so,  safety for long term consumption. No really.

 If there were not other factors involved in this debacle it might not be so irritating, I mean.... compelling....


Show me the money, then

So, overall, the reason for being so vague?  Severely high stakes in the agriculture market, of course. Perhaps Someone should fire the investment guy....

but really... The losses are daunting upon the dawn of enlightenment. So, with all these Studies prooving how awesome it supposedly is.... why not just out with it? I mean with all these long term studies lieing about how can they fail so hard to provid anyone with some decent tests... perhaps the tests don't show the desired results...? I have no idea but figured Id just throw that out there. You don't have to believe me because if you looked, a few paragraphs back, you'd already know that the lack of data is pretty uninspiring, just sayin'.


This is because it can yield up to 10x "standard"... As in ancient grains produce up to 10x less yeild. It was supposed to solve world hunger and in some ways, it has.... But at what cost? I would rather be slimmer, more healthy and have less food that be obease, sick and in abundance. This is an opinion post, not medical advice, I am not a doctor.... Just a conscientious person, with a lot of questions, in the wake of all this abounding and disturbing evidence.  Talk about a mouth full....

I feel pretty compelled to mention that there is a virtual Shmorgisborg of concerns other than merely that which involves "meh wheat thins". Upon careful consideration of precisely who has vested interest. Or perhaps the law that allows proprietary access and copywrite being given to uhh... idn some people, I guess...

In a, not just massive, but nearly monopolized market I am dying to know, what in blazing saddles is going on here? I doubt they will tell us anytime soon. However, perhaps we need to consider the structure of the food market entirely. How can we ensure safety and to adopt fail safes while the market is cornered by only a handful of companies. Many which have been found numerious times to either break policy or maybe bend policy over to completely ignore data, skew statistics in favour of dolla bills. While attempting, perhaps successfully, to take over feeding the world as a whole in spite of not being told we even want that... I don't know, but, pretty sure I for 1 don't think I really want that. I mean with all this outstanding proof that they kick ass at it why would I want them to ever stop...
call me skeptical.

Oh man, what a prospect...

Sooo.... Imagine this scene:  worldwide famin and terror if said company failed to protect it's consumers due to vested interest.... and it's all our fault. Gasp right... It's not necessary, no, um, I don't even know them....Shrugs

I mean, really, what can we do now?

Well, maybe the right to provide should be in the interest if the people... anything but some guy no one has even heard of, who clearly could give a crap. The world market and the public should be inclusive on planning for not only our future but the future of our kin. I think, We need to employ safety nets, strict guidelines, laws data... tons of delicious data.  Maybe even public accessible tools to provide valuable and necessary reliable data and alerts.

I even suggest making the food market a public  venture opposed to proprietary venture for potentially seedy capitalists who are driven not by public concern for well being, but instead, invested self interest for the persuit of wealth at the expense of not only our health but our future.

I even promote that a state or federal side perminant take over of this market is not only smart but in the wake of current evidence it is nearly inevitable. There are too many loopholes that are currently in place to protect the investor and not nearly enough to ensure public safety. This is not just a money issue, it is a public worldwide crisis with daunting levels of repercussions if we continue to allow exclusivity and privilege to rule over our morality, without any redeemable foresight.

 Shut up and take our money

There is so much at stake, in lieu of some pretty terrifying evidence. The monetary provisions given to private and massive corporations seems to be a conflict of interest. To be blunt; The federal and state government provides massive agricultural subsidises to Mega corps that have little to no morally vested interest in health and with little to no repercussion at failure to provide a safe reliable food sources. Thus, and subsidized with the petty cash of our likely ill invested, practically unregulated, tax spending. Kinda crazy if you think about it. Sounds legit...

We have allowed our government  to employ a system that backs mega corporations instead of the public it feeds, sure, why not. All while we do so, willingly, by proof of our inaction. We can tell ourselves that the statisticlly unproven, and often inflammatory and misleading safety claims all seem like real words, and stuff. We can lie to ourselves too, that way we all may sleep at night.

We could, indeed, just kick back and not care.  However to continue to do so, we are, essentially, not just allowing, but fiscally supporting potential worldwide population loss with the proven implication of not just current, but future lowered  life expectancy.

It is no longer just "failure to communicate"

What we have on our hands could very well be nothing  short of a devistating health and starvation crisis under the guise of "safe" and a mass of baseless claims. In which, not just a few people, but the majority of the world, is a part and I imagine all are likely to suffer eventually. I mean, birds and stuff....

Perhaps we need to demand a major Agricultural overhaul. I am just trying to say...perhaps... we may consider it a thing worth considering. Without, at least, trying to takea action I feel like we may well be consenting to bullying the future of man kind.... And bully is a much nicer way to put it.

We need proof of safety. We should be demanding fundimentally pivitol fail safe food systems.
Upon failure of worldwide crop loss things are gonna suck. I don't think about "if" it will happen.. we know it will, because history. We need to stop selling our future to privatized monopolized mega corps. It may even turn the current crisis of "them" into a more unified society of "we are hungry". To the guys making money off of it I suppose it's fair to say "you cant eat money", when we're all pretty much screwed.

We need to demand that the ownership of our food sources be "by the people and for the people". We need to either create a new government sector, created for safety and public concern. That which is monitered by readily available and accessable public tools. To say it plainly, We need to take back our food supply and decide a better plan for our future, and the future of human kind, before it is too late. Our lives, and the lives of our kin, depend on it.

So, in my humble opinion, we need to create, and promote awareness of, a publically accessable databases of the molecular structure of not only our food, but everything having to do with it. Including all food sources and  both present and past concerns and public confidence reports for every farm and waterway. We really can make an app for it.

Yeah, Uhhh, we already paid for that....

We just need to regulate, and take back our water supply from all private corporations and actually make public utilities a part of the public... "make utilities great again" or what have you. If we have to subsidize food and water anyways... Though I am usually a fiscal moderate I would promote outright providing water to everyone. I promote a tax percent voucher for food. If we pay to subsidize, I also vote against taxing non prepared food. I see it as a pretty clear conflict of interest.

To use tax money to subsidize food production, then tax the food yeilded from that very investment, just no.  It just seems logical to provide water since you are basically taking it from everyone and it's nearly completely paid for with tax dollars due to substantial exemptions. Water should not be a private utility company. When you see it as something that tax payers already pay for, The sucture is total crap. I know our water is a "public" utility but if it really is I suggest it be non-profit and not some crappy, half-wit do nothing hybrid.

So please do not misconceive my political position here either.... I do not promote socialism but I do promote a more moderate and freaking logical approach that is (again) logical and not so that a few hot shots can proverbially hold the water (we allread pay for) over our heads, usually at a rediculous upcharge.
       The profit.. is not... reinvested & it should be.
If you still don't believe me... I have an eye opening  word for ya, Michigan.

Soooo, We Screwed Detroit, Anyways, Moving on...

We need to consider the obvious example which is dwarf wheat, but I will use this opportunity to push my agenda....  to prove that the system we currently have is failing and as a people, we need to demand total and irrefutable reform there is a catch....
and we must do so, AS A WHOLE...

 I do not want you to buy into what I say, hook line and sinker. I want you to do serious and considerable research, for yourself, with the data available and really look at the situation we are in.










"Touchy" Subjects
Sex, Relationships & Emotions
 By dreadthedays


This evolving post is about self control, masturbation addiction,  melennials, relationships, scapegoating, the media, my own experiences etc... So, basically it's about life and topics that people have a hard time addressing.

These are my own experiences....take it or leave it. Feel free to debate me on deductions that I make here or anywhere you might find my social media. Ty.

These deductions are based my perspective as a lover of both men, women and sex....  as a student of psychology and sociology I learned a lot about how to make logical deductions which I do tend to apply but never as a person of authority... I am just a silly lady. I am not licensed and I am not a doctor. If anything I feel like a community "mom".

I am not a doctor, just a person with a lot of opinions and a ton of sexual, life and relationship experience. I am honestly seeking to educate, enlighten and help. Many people will disagree with my opinions. This will be for various reasons. I  honor others choices including they who disagree. I am open ears, mind and heart. I do try to adhere to a logical, opposed to emotional, perspective due to my upbringing.

Some of what I say may be difficult to hear. Please hear me out, I am not judging anyone. I am simply talking about my own experiences with others and the issues I have come across over time. I talk about the differences between my own generation of upbringing in comparison to other time periods that effect my own.

I have dated men and women of all walks of life, both older and younger. My experiences are not scientific tests.... They are the unique perspective of a woman who was poly for about twenty years. I am sharing my experiences so that others may understand how I handled various challenges along the way. I learn by both experience and example and perhaps these personal excerpts will help someone else who struggling to find someone to talk to.

Masturbation In our Nation - A lovers perspective

I want to talk today about....

What is Jelqing and why is everyone on the web talking about it...? Why are we focused on the size of male genitalia? Why is the burden of sexual satisfaction often placed on the size of our sexual organs? Melennials and emotions in a relationship context...

This came up recently and I wanted to share my experience with this. I had a boyfriend once who was obsessed with this. He wanted to be bigger, wider or longer etc... I agreed to help him by administering this to him.... As an experimental sexual thing and as his sexual partner (to be clear I had never done it before and he knew this)  He was not a fan of masturbation but he was kind of an "attention whore" so I think that for him it was something different than a couple others I have had the pleasure of knowing. I can say this.... It did nothing. It did, however, allow me to touch his member a bit more often so I didn't mind. I was no more harsh on that thing than than average and I followed all the steps but no... It really
Didn't do anything...

My two other experiences were with men who were addicted to masturbation and porn. Both of them hardly engaged me, both of them were obsessed with their own ... "Stuff" and to be honest, it just "came off" (no pun intended) as another good reason to focus on their own bodies. Another scapegoat from giving in an ounce of effort to learn about by body opposed to seeding t-shirts in the name of supposedly giving me more pleasure..... All it accomplished was a sad alibi for their porn addiction and either narcissism or depression. For me.... It was, and always will be, an utter turn off.

Masturbation is okay in my book, it can be healthy.
It has many benefits in health and sexual function but seemingly many man have serious addiction issues. The constant stimulation of the sexualized media they consume seems to numb them out. It hinders them from really "engaging" or connecting. Shit, part of me wonders if the current environment does not hinder the desire to give a shit about much more than getting off as if orgasm is literally an uncontrollable thing that happens "to them" opposed to a healthy locust of control that says they are actually;

1. In charge
2. Merely giving into an idea
3. Causing relationship problems
4. Driving their partners away or have no partner
5. Not victims of circumstance
6. Able to change
7. Not being forced
8. Responsible for their actions
9. Weak willed

Sadly, people tend to treat these issues differently than 20 years ago. We were held accountable for our actions. If we messed up, to show we cared, we tried to fix... it or we simply admitted that we really didn't give a shit. Melennials seem to believe that even the emotions of others are only on their behalf. Many seem to have an emotional disconnect... where the reality is that the world, others and even the natural order of life does, in fact, not revolve around them. They cannot seemingly accept the emotions of others. The result is seemingly a general overall lack of compassion due to the inability to relate. Though these traits seem akin to autism it is, in my opinion very different. I say this because in my experience this behavior Is not for lack of ability, but rather, a sense of numbness, confusion and childishness. It is as if they never realized that there are things they have to suffer through to learn, grow and advance.

They are seemingly unable to actually connect unless the issue is about them or the emotion is owned by them in some way. Brief moments of realization seemingly help them see the bigger picture because at thoes moments of clarity are pivot points to glimpse what others might feel like.

I was raised with the idea that "I cannot do it" was simply a lack of trying and the result was not only culpability but remote for being shitty and the ability to actually connect... Oppised to just convincing Oneself thth it's "not possible" until they have victimized themselves into stagnance and

 Few want to really try and in the age of narcissism and selfishness / hindered self awareness... Its not helping anyone. Acting like you cannot help it is merely your unwillingness to change and lack of desire to try. These actions taken are not happening to them... They are causing and perpetuating an issue it and they are to blame if they refuse to try. Seemingly, it is easier now a days to weasel word an issue than actually try, care or

I don't seek to control anyone but I am pretty aware if my own needs. Sure, release ye mermaids all you want. However, for me to stay engaged and not feel like I am neglected or just a supplement to your spilling seed into some random TP wad, sock, sink or toilet...  when you actually have sex enough supplement. Most men I have encountered have porn issues, body issues, self worth issues, depression, drugs or drama problems...

To be honest the goal for most men is length and this technique rarely helps with length at all. It is known to increase girth but I want to explore this idea with you before you run off and start trying to abuse Mr wankey like it's a toothpaste tube.

Trying to push the blood around a males private bits to attempt a (nominal at most) bit if enhancement. It seems likely, in my opinion, to be some level of self justification for "private time".. in the name of not "just" being self indulgent.... Which is honestly nonsense. Either do it, know it's about you, for whatever reason or even none.... Rather than try to justify that this act has anything to do with anyone but you.

 As a partner these desperate attempts to change these tiny things seems like nothing more than A sign of physical insecurity. (Or masturbation addiction)
The attempt is futile and often causes perminant damage. Honestly, I'd wager, people would rather get laid more often than they care about attempts at enkarhement. Remember, this is at the expense of potentially losing the ability to uhh... "Rise up". People who focus on  "enhancement", I feel, are missing the point. I hypothesize that most people need intimacy, closeness and love more than a 1/57865 vein bulge larger that is likely to go unnoticed anyways.

....Likely, your intimate partner would rather engage more often than wait for you to convince yourself that you achieved Masterbatory and girth nirvana by edging yourself off somewhere alone... whilst trying to murder every capillary in your tender bits. It sounds gross because it is. If you do this be aware... it can cause you to have issues as older adult. Look it up, check out the awfulness before buying into this.... Ifitwirked so well I'm pretty sure most enhancement meds, tools etc would not be so popular. It can work.... At the cost of your body. Nothing is free... You will pay in capillaries.

My honest advice
Be more confident about yourself and none of that crap will even matter. Focus more on learning about your partner and their needs and you will find that confidence in these matters is better when you are intuitive about others... It's much hotter than one micron of Girth...

If someone loves you or wants you.... They likely could care less and just want to feel desired, loved and secure... I something recently on the web that struck a chord with me. You don't need to ruin yourself to be who you feel you are.... You should always accept that person inside before you proceed to perminantly change your body. I support others choices 100% I just wish people could find self love and acceptance before they make irrivocable choices.

IMO we should focus less on male enhancement.. and more on self awareness and acceptance. If all you do is change to avoid "psychologically mending yourself" it is akin to running away, moving from place to place. No matter where you go.... "There you are" (my dad said that a lot). I'm not speaking on sexual stuff or gender either.... Though self love as a person no matter what you are should freaking matter. If you are not right with you.... There is no change that will 100% fix the person you are inside until you face your own self worth issues.


Damon becoming 17 in two days and… and…

So, today I must do the needful…  dishes, laundry, vacuum a bit, pantry organization and then, when I am satisfied with the condition of the house… I must write a letter... What do you put in a letter for your son who you have not seen in 12 years? A person I know so little about. I have not seen him since he was five. He turns 17 Monday but I wait until the last day every year, freaking out about what to say, or rather.. not to say. He will be an adult for all sense an purpose so soon... One year? Holy shit.

A day that I told myself would take (what seemed like) a lifetime to come. After that fateful, awful, day in court that I gave in and submitted to their demands. After the constant harassment, false police reports, stalking and lies. I regretfully signed him over. Not because I wanted to, but because my lawyer said I should and no family had my back.

Not to mention the deceitful court system… I had to have "lesbian" stricken from the record so many times I was blue in the face. I was physically not well and after all of the psychological things my husband had put me through, despicable things I have never, and likely will never disclose… I gave up.

So many things awry that I could hardly even identify every crime played upon me as the stagnated person I was when I was with him.  Years later, as an informed but bruised if not hindered adult after the war was over I could see so much clearer. I recognize the abuse for what it always was, most certainly in the beginning when I was still hardly understanding how the world worked. I never saw it coming…  The warning signs or manipulation of a man who left me miseducated, defeated and worn, barren without my only child.

I was was ignorant, ill educated and vastly unequipped to deal with the grotesque psychological warfare that he waged on me, I was too immature and uninformed. I certainly didn't understand the law, the court system seemed like a web of traps.. I had no leg to stand on. I didn't understand how he could have had so many bank accounts, phone numbers or condoms I knee nothing about, for that matter…  sad as that may be. I was more hurt than guarded and certainly more injured than ready for a legal battle for my child.

This all transpired because I had decided that our relationship was unhealthy, and I wanted a divorce, after years of infidelity, confusion and the seemingly purposeful misleading I felt used and I wanted out. That relationship was certainly NOT healthy, with the  older, and far wiser, man willing to sacrifice my health or even life…  to yield him a child. Sadly the idea of him being so wonderful was so ingrained that even today I sometimes wonder if he would be proud if me.…  sick as it may be.

At the time, I blamed myself for a barrage of things that I now see so clearly as not my own errors to claim. Yet, even still, my baggage and pain to carry regardless of clarity. I was a easy, needy target for that man and he was all too eager to pay the way for me. Honest men look for suitable, educated WOMEN…  not little girls. Though I was smart, don't get me wrong, I was quick, I was still a child at 15 when he found me, no no matter how I'd rather spin it to save my own disgrace…  or his honour.

I was an impoverished and malnourished child with severe daddy issues. I was all too eager to please, still in a shadowed haze of post sexual abuse ingrained upon me in my very early years by several unrespectable, disgusting men, all of whom I had trusted. I had a distorted vision of love and he knew that, he saw it and he ran with it in every way possible.

So, I digress, coming back around to the birthday, the letter and Damon…  I was unable to deal with more LIFE of constant courtrooms of forcing any beautiful gifted child to suffer. Too akin to the doom I suffered from the custody battles of my parents, rape allegations and molestation court which began when I was just 6. I hate courtrooms so much…

So, last night I could not quiet my mind. It was moving a million miles a min... the who's and why's plague me often but this time of year I am riddled with them. Considering how I have honestly lived my whole life eating the displaced blame of the so many elder people who were around me… wondering why or who would want that for their child? I know didn't. I felt If removing me…  meant that  it would stop the nonsense (because, otherwise, despite myself, his family seemed like  compassionate people) who was I to steal his childhood selfishly?

Now, the doubt of these many years of guilt, wonder, pain and tears and hoping that I made the right choice… could come to light at any moment. The idea both daunting and exciting, I suppose... fear is a good word for it.

So, what now??? Ya know, What can I say other than Happy Birthday, I miss you..
Perhaps one day, At the moment of truth…  (dependingon his age) That I stepped back to save him from what I perceived as needless suffering because I wanted him to live a better life than I did…  even if it meant he hated me? Do I lie to save the face of his father in his eyes 👀 ? Likely yes.

 Ever still…

I cannot stop thinking…  will it happen soon? I think.. maybe already has…  in the ghosting of me. I don't know if he is alive, where he is or if Howard told him lies about me, or about us. I assumed he would have to or admit that man who was 9 years the senior to a smitten 15 year old wayward girl stole her only child in such a screwed up way.

I often wonder…  did his family move him far away…  Did they change his name? Does he hate me? I just wanted to say how I have been feeling…  chaotic for days, years even. Confused about what to say, less confused about what transpired, but every passing day that I miss him so very, very much. 

That much is the truth… .


Full System Collapse (Poem/Rap) – By Dana Kerr

posted on the net February 4, 2014 at 8:35am If I, could have seen the me, I would be, I would have led the way When I spit out the words, upon your mind, I've uttered In the lights, the sound, in the end... you stay Post-hoc, intellection, of the masses... I find you, feel you... forward... sway... The flicker, the race, the momentum takes pace... I wait here, sounds fill, the will supersedes An incursion of source, force of my volition, a vacuum I travel along to the rate when I'm flashing Intermolecular web-weaving ventricle Collapsing system of anticipation, On this platform I'm scheming I'm walking in tandem, a force, since our closet close secrets The frequent request, behest of my condition A fulcrum, a flower, in which you are leaning pneumatic is your heat, a modish auxiliary a stark reality, adept cerebration I'm a, pale skin lyricist, a psychoanalyst allegory abstractionist, valor and vent I preach free society, escape from piety Wasted assets are insanity, I'm appalled, bent Food, the distant past of the current fiat system Appalling, rain barrels are a social offence? Seeds equate to years of self-mortification? A prison We have streamlined the virtual masses Screaming out from sick disposition Irreverent irrelevance, just a socio-economic bargaining chip Made of , hands secured by yellow tape vices A class of figures too hard to break, I'm irate You open your eyes too wide to see the future The paper blood of war is a washed-out lesson If you get the next line it is a point well taken... Religions are contemporary pasts of future misconceptions About the Writer Dana Kerr (dreadthedays) is a Ph.D. Student focused on Philosophy (Social Psychology) at Walden University https://soundcloud.com/dreadthedays I can be found on soundcloud at the link above. Support me by checking out my spoken word and remix page, and listening to a few things. The more exposure I get, the better my chances of financing for future projects. Thank you for your time!!! Leave a Mssg on the actual post so everyone can see it!


Rant about the progress of man

Post about how we as humans need to progress....... So.... The problem I have with killing a lion is that there that there is no use in useless killing, lions are nearly extinct. First and foremost, if you have to kill something you should be selective as to not reduce numbers of anything. We should never cause anything to totally become extinct because they belong to all of us and the decision is not unanimous. They could have some use in the system that we are destroying. I do not think we have developed in time evolutionarily or the system, if you will, to obliterate the rest of the species on our planet. I do not stand behind killing shit just to kill it. I don't stand behind killing them for just coats either or any secular use, especially that which is of mere fancy. I do not support nailing a species that is going extinct to a f*#$(*^ board. Kill it and eat it. Wear it, boil the bones. Use the fur, if you must. Enjoy killing it even, I don't give a shit about your enjoyment, that part is none of my business,honestly. F*^%*% you for thinking otherwise. This planet, in which we live, is F*%*&^ all of ours. Regardless of the imaginary lines we have created. I don't even give a shit about those lines as long as they do not impede me or keep me from going as I may, impeding as little as I may. I want to educate, help people and produce what I use with my own hands to the best of my ability. IF you want to sit on your ass go for it, just don't stand in my way. We need leaders who give a shit about what is ACTUALLY going on. We need people to stand up and take the F%*^% stand and give a shit about something other than making F*&%#*& MONEY!!!!! I love how murder only applies to humans. If someone killed a human it would be a big F*&^@#*&^ deal. The difference is that were clearly not going extinct. lulz... Perhaps everyone gets mad when lions are killed because because lions are F&*^*&adorable, ferocious creatures... Endangered animals are killed every F#*($)(*#^ day... But not hot girls with pictures are involved so no one gives a flying shit. Killing a lion for sport in a place you are not even F*&%*&^% from... to top it off.. going there JUST to kill the F*(^(*^&(* Lion?? Really?? This is not even close to being productive in any way. Killing random shit for what gain? How does this help anything... sustain anything? From now on were going to to judge this way.. I know it sounds harsh but if you are not producing something... anything at all or being productive as a human in some manner or learning something and progressing as a species.. We will not be the best of friends, I assure you. Even the conception of thought is the production of something that is helpful, especially in others. S Now,I know a lot of people hunt for game... but I do not remember the last time I heard of someone killing a deer and then not eating it...or fishing and not eating it unless you throw it back and don't kill it. We clearly have no real reason to be here and as is were all kind of making it up as we go along. We will never progress unless we all do something useful to the grander scheme of sustainability. I make clothes, hats, jewelry, I help people all the time. I hold doors for strangers, I lend my hand if it is not otherwise being used to another cause. I am an artist and I am saying this? I produce goods with my hands that are made from recycled materials that would otherwise be thrown away, to the best of my ability as I am not 100%,no one is as the world has made this almost completely unavoidable.Every inch of the land has been tampered with and not for the good of anything worth while at all. I know it is the narcissist in me speaking but I think that we should all be trying much harder to make this work the best we can. We try to solve problems and we all point outward instead of inward for the answers. Make something you need,tell me how it feels. It can change you indefinitely. Council another person, help them. Create some kind of productive energy reaction that pushes others to create more, try harder. Conserve that you can, help whom you can... do something F&^(& productive for F^&% sake.