"Touchy" Subjects
Sex, Relationships & Emotions
 By dreadthedays


This evolving post is about self control, masturbation addiction,  melennials, relationships, scapegoating, the media, my own experiences etc... So, basically it's about life and topics that people have a hard time addressing.

These are my own experiences....take it or leave it. Feel free to debate me on deductions that I make here or anywhere you might find my social media. Ty.

These deductions are based my perspective as a lover of both men, women and sex....  as a student of psychology and sociology I learned a lot about how to make logical deductions which I do tend to apply but never as a person of authority... I am just a silly lady. I am not licensed and I am not a doctor. If anything I feel like a community "mom".

I am not a doctor, just a person with a lot of opinions and a ton of sexual, life and relationship experience. I am honestly seeking to educate, enlighten and help. Many people will disagree with my opinions. This will be for various reasons. I  honor others choices including they who disagree. I am open ears, mind and heart. I do try to adhere to a logical, opposed to emotional, perspective due to my upbringing.

Some of what I say may be difficult to hear. Please hear me out, I am not judging anyone. I am simply talking about my own experiences with others and the issues I have come across over time. I talk about the differences between my own generation of upbringing in comparison to other time periods that effect my own.

I have dated men and women of all walks of life, both older and younger. My experiences are not scientific tests.... They are the unique perspective of a woman who was poly for about twenty years. I am sharing my experiences so that others may understand how I handled various challenges along the way. I learn by both experience and example and perhaps these personal excerpts will help someone else who struggling to find someone to talk to.

Masturbation In our Nation - A lovers perspective

I want to talk today about....

What is Jelqing and why is everyone on the web talking about it...? Why are we focused on the size of male genitalia? Why is the burden of sexual satisfaction often placed on the size of our sexual organs? Melennials and emotions in a relationship context...

This came up recently and I wanted to share my experience with this. I had a boyfriend once who was obsessed with this. He wanted to be bigger, wider or longer etc... I agreed to help him by administering this to him.... As an experimental sexual thing and as his sexual partner (to be clear I had never done it before and he knew this)  He was not a fan of masturbation but he was kind of an "attention whore" so I think that for him it was something different than a couple others I have had the pleasure of knowing. I can say this.... It did nothing. It did, however, allow me to touch his member a bit more often so I didn't mind. I was no more harsh on that thing than than average and I followed all the steps but no... It really
Didn't do anything...

My two other experiences were with men who were addicted to masturbation and porn. Both of them hardly engaged me, both of them were obsessed with their own ... "Stuff" and to be honest, it just "came off" (no pun intended) as another good reason to focus on their own bodies. Another scapegoat from giving in an ounce of effort to learn about by body opposed to seeding t-shirts in the name of supposedly giving me more pleasure..... All it accomplished was a sad alibi for their porn addiction and either narcissism or depression. For me.... It was, and always will be, an utter turn off.

Masturbation is okay in my book, it can be healthy.
It has many benefits in health and sexual function but seemingly many man have serious addiction issues. The constant stimulation of the sexualized media they consume seems to numb them out. It hinders them from really "engaging" or connecting. Shit, part of me wonders if the current environment does not hinder the desire to give a shit about much more than getting off as if orgasm is literally an uncontrollable thing that happens "to them" opposed to a healthy locust of control that says they are actually;

1. In charge
2. Merely giving into an idea
3. Causing relationship problems
4. Driving their partners away or have no partner
5. Not victims of circumstance
6. Able to change
7. Not being forced
8. Responsible for their actions
9. Weak willed

Sadly, people tend to treat these issues differently than 20 years ago. We were held accountable for our actions. If we messed up, to show we cared, we tried to fix... it or we simply admitted that we really didn't give a shit. Melennials seem to believe that even the emotions of others are only on their behalf. Many seem to have an emotional disconnect... where the reality is that the world, others and even the natural order of life does, in fact, not revolve around them. They cannot seemingly accept the emotions of others. The result is seemingly a general overall lack of compassion due to the inability to relate. Though these traits seem akin to autism it is, in my opinion very different. I say this because in my experience this behavior Is not for lack of ability, but rather, a sense of numbness, confusion and childishness. It is as if they never realized that there are things they have to suffer through to learn, grow and advance.

They are seemingly unable to actually connect unless the issue is about them or the emotion is owned by them in some way. Brief moments of realization seemingly help them see the bigger picture because at thoes moments of clarity are pivot points to glimpse what others might feel like.

I was raised with the idea that "I cannot do it" was simply a lack of trying and the result was not only culpability but remote for being shitty and the ability to actually connect... Oppised to just convincing Oneself thth it's "not possible" until they have victimized themselves into stagnance and

 Few want to really try and in the age of narcissism and selfishness / hindered self awareness... Its not helping anyone. Acting like you cannot help it is merely your unwillingness to change and lack of desire to try. These actions taken are not happening to them... They are causing and perpetuating an issue it and they are to blame if they refuse to try. Seemingly, it is easier now a days to weasel word an issue than actually try, care or

I don't seek to control anyone but I am pretty aware if my own needs. Sure, release ye mermaids all you want. However, for me to stay engaged and not feel like I am neglected or just a supplement to your spilling seed into some random TP wad, sock, sink or toilet...  when you actually have sex enough supplement. Most men I have encountered have porn issues, body issues, self worth issues, depression, drugs or drama problems...

To be honest the goal for most men is length and this technique rarely helps with length at all. It is known to increase girth but I want to explore this idea with you before you run off and start trying to abuse Mr wankey like it's a toothpaste tube.

Trying to push the blood around a males private bits to attempt a (nominal at most) bit if enhancement. It seems likely, in my opinion, to be some level of self justification for "private time".. in the name of not "just" being self indulgent.... Which is honestly nonsense. Either do it, know it's about you, for whatever reason or even none.... Rather than try to justify that this act has anything to do with anyone but you.

 As a partner these desperate attempts to change these tiny things seems like nothing more than A sign of physical insecurity. (Or masturbation addiction)
The attempt is futile and often causes perminant damage. Honestly, I'd wager, people would rather get laid more often than they care about attempts at enkarhement. Remember, this is at the expense of potentially losing the ability to uhh... "Rise up". People who focus on  "enhancement", I feel, are missing the point. I hypothesize that most people need intimacy, closeness and love more than a 1/57865 vein bulge larger that is likely to go unnoticed anyways.

....Likely, your intimate partner would rather engage more often than wait for you to convince yourself that you achieved Masterbatory and girth nirvana by edging yourself off somewhere alone... whilst trying to murder every capillary in your tender bits. It sounds gross because it is. If you do this be aware... it can cause you to have issues as older adult. Look it up, check out the awfulness before buying into this.... Ifitwirked so well I'm pretty sure most enhancement meds, tools etc would not be so popular. It can work.... At the cost of your body. Nothing is free... You will pay in capillaries.

My honest advice
Be more confident about yourself and none of that crap will even matter. Focus more on learning about your partner and their needs and you will find that confidence in these matters is better when you are intuitive about others... It's much hotter than one micron of Girth...

If someone loves you or wants you.... They likely could care less and just want to feel desired, loved and secure... I something recently on the web that struck a chord with me. You don't need to ruin yourself to be who you feel you are.... You should always accept that person inside before you proceed to perminantly change your body. I support others choices 100% I just wish people could find self love and acceptance before they make irrivocable choices.

IMO we should focus less on male enhancement.. and more on self awareness and acceptance. If all you do is change to avoid "psychologically mending yourself" it is akin to running away, moving from place to place. No matter where you go.... "There you are" (my dad said that a lot). I'm not speaking on sexual stuff or gender either.... Though self love as a person no matter what you are should freaking matter. If you are not right with you.... There is no change that will 100% fix the person you are inside until you face your own self worth issues.


Evolving Notes For An Comprehensive Death Stranding Analysis by dreadthedays ( 20486 Level 300?)

Death Stranding Notes

(soon coming GS230 meaning)

I am happy to share them with everyone but please be considerate.

***I am publishing this here to hopefully show that I originated this work and the date is valid herein. Please, do not use my works without due credit. I have spent so much time going over data to find this and all I ask is for a little love. TY.***


Kojima is not a fool, he works with specific intent and yet he accepts the various forms his works may take in pursuit of personal and public understanding.  I postulate that the end goal in mind is humanistic catharsis. He pushes us to revisit times when we have both destroyed one another and pulled together.  and he is facinated by the way we are stimulated. He finds the seeker in all of us and he challenges us to not only find the meanings he might present as an artist with intent but also to create our own reality via inspiration of his beautiful works. Not only comprehending connections.... but manifesting them. The natural shape they form is also a form of art. His stimulating us to work in tandem, creating "Bridges" in many forms. 


I highly suggest you research the etymology of the word bridge......
It is rather confounding. The word itself is
an example of the connection between bodies of water, physiology, and psychology both proverbial and applied.

It describes that which can both connected or disconnected from an entity or object from one place to another.
You can bridge in cards, your nose and teeth have bridges, music has bridges...
You can both Bridge and be bridged... something which bridges is bridging and can also be bridged.
I say this in such a way to imply the numerous applications for the word.
Speaking of numbers
The word origin alone connects several countries, concepts and artistic endeavors.
Nearly anything can be bridged... including our bodies, minds and devices.



M2 047 RA

M2- In genetics M2 is a mutant virus strain
we generated a virus (Ra) specifically mutated in segment 7 to fight said virus

I postulate that this number is a description identification number for the antigen box and is NOT a communication device. When the corpse is taken perhaps he is administering the antigen. Sams M2 box could be a Mutant Virus antigen. Kojima says you leave and return, perhaps you return to a virus unknown due to more mutations in some alt-universe?

I have gone back and forth on the next bit but perhaps 047 is the
type of Virus and RA means artificially altered to fight the Virus. Using the reverse genetics and re-assortment procedure. This is how a generated virus (Ra) specifically mutated in segment 7 to fight that specific M2. This is the reverse genetics system for generation of an influenza A virus mutant containing a deletion of the carboxyl-terminal residue of M2 protein.


20486 Level 300

Class structured by MS-PS4
(I am not joking)

So the Course I found has a discription
(one of many, actually... with good reason) 

Herein you may find the reasoning behind this course is clear, perhaps not. I believe I did. I want to add that Decima is part of the word hexadecimal or color and also the position of a number in mathematics and also represents numbers in mathematics.
The class herein seems to be I included a few side notes and this is all very sloppy as it is my notes but feel free to look this up yourself
This could even be the science behind a new level of cross-gaming platforms, specifically like the ones that Decima seeks to create.

Kojima speaks of "connections", perhaps this could be one level of connections we do not expect. I did all of this research myself so please credit me
if you decide to use this.

#20486B Name of a Cross-platform Gaming class.. Level? 300

Course 20486B:
Developing ASP.NET MVC 4 Web Applications


About this course
In this course, students will learn to develop advanced ASP.NET MVC applications using .NET Framework 4.5 tools and technologies. The focus will be on coding activities that enhance the performance and scalability of a web application. ASP.NET MVC will be introduced and compared with Web Forms so that students know when each should/could be used. This course will also prepare the students for the exam 70-486.

Candidates for this course are interested in developing advanced web applications and want to manage the rendered HTML comprehensively. They want to create websites that separate the user interface, data access, and application logic.

Students will also learn about ASP.NET 4.5 and be introduced to the web forms, web pages, and MVC programming models. Finally they will see an overview of ASP.NET MVC 4, including new features and configuration.

Overview of ASP.NET 4.5
Introduction to ASP.NET MVC 4

Evolution of ASP.NET is WebAPI

online I found this = When it comes to the competition between Microsoft's console, Xbox One and Sony's console, PS4, the accompanying APIs are just as important. Microsoft's DirectX 12 API, which was announced earlier this year at Game Developers Conference, provides low-level video game programming functionality

Jun 1, 2013 - The main idea behind this Open Source Project is to have a Playstation Network API that everyone can use and change in any way he wants

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ASP.NET Web API 2 Recipes: A Problem-Solution Approach
Filip Wojcieszyn - 2014 - ‎Computers
Versioned Controllers Decorated with Version-Aware VersionedRouteAttribute public class ItemsController : ApiController { [VersionedRoute("items/{id:int}")] //version = 0, so default public Item Get(int id) { return new Item { Id = id, Name = "PS4", Country = "Japan"}; } } public class ItemsV2Controller : ApiController

A major person working on Web API 

.NET developer and all that, blogger, author, OSS contributor, HTTP fan, Microsoft MVP
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Developing ASP.NET MVC 4 Web Applications (20486) - Learning Tree is below. It is broken up the best I could manage.

In the Classroom — OR — Live, Online. Tuition — Standard: $3190 Government: $2833. Dec 18 - 22 (5 Days) 9:00 AM - 4:30 PM EST Herndon, VA / Online (AnyWare) Herndon, VA / Online (AnyWare) Reserve Your Seat ...

Soooo Then

Class Prerequisites

A minimum of two to three years of experience developing web-based applications by using Microsoft Visual Studio and Microsoft ASP.NET, proficiency in using the .NET Framework, and some familiarity with the C# language.

What You Will Learn

Describe the Microsoft Web Technologies stack and select an appropriate technology to use to develop any given application.
Design the architecture and implementation of a web application that will meet a set of functional requirements, user interface requirements, and address business models.
Create MVC Models and write code that implements business logic within Model methods, properties, and events.
Add Controllers to an MVC Application to manage user interaction, update models, and select and return Views.
Create Views in an MVC application that display and edit data and interact with Models and Controllers.
Run unit tests and debugging tools against a web application in Visual Studio 2012 and configure an application for troubleshooting.
Develop a web application that uses the ASP.NET routing engine to present friendly URLs and a logical navigation hierarchy to users.
Implement a consistent look and feel, including corporate branding, across an entire MVC web application.
Use partial page updates and caching to reduce the network bandwidth used by an application and accelerate responses to user requests.
Write JavaScript code that runs on the client-side and utilizes the jQuery script library to optimize the responsiveness of an MVC web application.
Implement a complete membership system in an MVC 4 web application.
Build an MVC application that resists malicious attacks and persists information about users and preferences.
Describe how to write a Windows Azure web service and call it from and MVC application.
Describe what a Web API is and why developers might add a Web API to an application.
Modify the way browser requests are handled by an MVC application.
Describe how to package and deploy an ASP.NET MVC 4 web application from a development computer to a web server for staging or production.

Module 2: Designing ASP.NET MVC 4 Web Applications
Planning in the Project Design Phase
Designing Models, Controllers, and Views

*****Get this... this class can be taken in United States, Canada, Europe, Poland, Slovenia, Latin America, Middle East and of course, last but not least, Africa*****
The class title for the international course you ask? MS-20486 Level 300 of course :}

Even Moreso is of PS4 relevance 

MS-PS4-1. Use mathematical representations to describe a simple model for waves that includes how the amplitude of a wave is related to the energy in a wave. [Clarification Statement: Emphasis is on describing waves with both qualitative and quantitative thinking.]

From The "Next Integration Science Website found here;https://www.nextgenscience.org/dci-arrangement/ms-ps4-waves-and-their-applications-technologies-information-transfer
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Moving on, this link has a table on it with these descriptions for the course #20486 Level 300

MS-PS4-1. Use mathematical representations to describe a simple model for waves that includes how the amplitude of a wave is related to the energy in a wave. [Clarification Statement: Emphasis is on describing waves with both qualitative and quantitative thinking.] [Assessment Boundary: Assessment does not include electromagnetic waves and is limited to standard repeating waves.]
MS-PS4-2. Develop and use a model to describe that waves are reflected, absorbed, or transmitted through various materials. [Clarification Statement: Emphasis is on both light and mechanical waves. Examples of models could include drawings, simulations, and written descriptions.] [Assessment Boundary: Assessment is limited to qualitative applications pertaining to light and mechanical waves.]
MS-PS4-3. Integrate qualitative scientific and technical information to support the claim that digitized signals are a more reliable way to encode and transmit information than analog signals. [Clarification Statement: Emphasis is on a basic understanding that waves can be used for communication purposes. Examples could include using fiber optic cable to transmit light pulses, radio wave pulses in wifi devices, and conversion of stored binary patterns to make sound or text on a computer screen.] [Assessment Boundary: Assessment does not include binary counting. Assessment does not include the specific mechanism of any given device.]

Science and Engineering Practices
Developing and Using Models
Modeling in 6–8 builds on K–5 and progresses to developing, using, and revising models to describe, test, and predict more abstract phenomena and design systems.
Develop and use a model to describe phenomena. (MS-PS4-2)
Using Mathematics and Computational Thinking
Mathematical and computational thinking at the 6–8 level builds on K–5 and progresses to identifying patterns in large data sets and using mathematical concepts to support explanations and arguments.
Use mathematical representations to describe and/or support scientific conclusions and design solutions. (MS-PS4-1)
Obtaining, Evaluating, and Communicating Information
Obtaining, evaluating, and communicating information in 6-8 builds on K-5 and progresses to evaluating the merit and validity of ideas and methods.
Integrate qualitative scientific and technical information in written text with that contained in media and visual displays to clarify claims and findings. (MS-PS4-3)
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Connections to Nature of Science

Scientific Knowledge is Based on Empirical Evidence
Science knowledge is based upon logical and conceptual connections between evidence and explanations. (MS-PS4-1)

Disciplinary Core Ideas;

PS4.A: Wave Properties
A simple wave has a repeating pattern with a specific wavelength, frequency, and amplitude. (MS-PS4-1)
A sound wave needs a medium through which it is transmitted. (MS-PS4-2)
PS4.B: Electromagnetic Radiation
When light shines on an object, it is reflected, absorbed, or transmitted through the object, depending on the object’s material and the frequency (color) of the light. (MS-PS4-2)
The path that light travels can be traced as straight lines, except at surfaces between different transparent materials (e.g., air and water, air and glass) where the light path bends. (MS-PS4-2)
A wave model of light is useful for explaining brightness, color, and the frequency-dependent bending of light at a surface between media. (MS-PS4-2)
However, because light can travel through space, it cannot be a matter wave, like sound or water waves. (MS-PS4-2)
PS4.C: Information Technologies and Instrumentation
Digitized signals (sent as wave pulses) are a more reliable way to encode and transmit information. (MS-PS4-3)

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Crosscutting Concepts;

Graphs and charts can be used to identify patterns in data. (MS-PS4-1)
Structure and Function
Structures can be designed to serve particular functions by taking into account properties of different materials, and how materials can be shaped and used. (MS-PS4-2)
Structures can be designed to serve particular functions. (MS-PS4-3)
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Connections to Engineering, Technology, and Applications of Science

Influence of Science, Engineering, and Technology on Society and the Natural World
Technologies extend the measurement, exploration, modeling, and computational capacity of scientific investigations. (MS-PS4-3)
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Connections to Nature of Science

Science is a Human Endeavor
Advances in technology influence the progress of science and science has influenced advances in technology. (MS-PS4-3)

So Moving on We have to ask not only what the class is or who the research may be for but also... who provides this class?

(Who Gives This Class)
Notably one school who provides this class is none other than:
New horizons worldwide inc of course

The company also put this out:
New Horizon Zero Dawn Details Include Environments, Skill Trees, Different Tribes And Much More on their website (coincidence?)

Sooo then who are they and what do they provide?

New Horizons Worldwide, Inc. provides IT training to small, mid-sized, and global enterprises; and career training solutions. It provides courses and certifications on .NET, application development, applications, business intelligence, business skills, cloud computing, computer foundations, CRM, data center, database, developer, graphic design applications, hardware, healthcare, help desk, information security, IT service management, Linux, Microsoft Developer, Microsoft Dynamics, Microsoft Exchange, Microsoft Lync, Microsoft Office, Microsoft SharePoint, Microsoft SQL, Microsoft System Center, Microsoft Visual Studio, Microsoft Windows, Microsoft Windows Server, mobility, networking, operating systems, project management, routing and switching, security, six sigma, storage, virtualization, VoIP, wireless, and others. It also provides public-sector training solutions to various government departments and agencies, such as Directive 8570 compliance suite to train Department of Defense personnel and contractors that includes baseline certification training for personnel performing, continuous education/sustainment training, and certification training for specific operating system environments. In addition, the company offers franchising opportunities. It provides courses primarily to business professionals, data center administrators, database administrators, database developers, help desk/desktop support technicians, information workers, network administrators, project managers, security administrators, server administrators, virtualization administrators, Web applications administrators, and Web applications developers. New Horizons Worldwide, Inc. was founded in 1968 and is headquartered in West Conshohocken, Pennsylvania with training centers in the United States.

The head of this company and his information as follows;

Mr. Marc McManus, Jr. serves as Chief Executive Officer and Co Owner of New Horizons Computer Learning Centers at Michigan at New Horizons Worldwide, Inc. since January 2006. Mr. McManus also served as the President of New Horizons Computer Learning Centers Inc. He serves as a Non Executive Director of Ontuitive Benelux B.V. since January 2006. He has received nine 'North American Franchise of the Year' awards since 1992 and serves on Microsoft's Certified Partner Learning Solutions' (CPLS) Advisory Council.

Nubis: Authoring Real-Time Volumetric Cloudscapes with the Decima Engine

Who is Nubis?

Nubis, LLC
Company Information
1 Park Plz Ste 600
Irvine, CA, 92614 United States
(949) 429-0609 †

Michiel van der Leeuw 
director research

Previous noteable works;  Guerrilla Gaming Engine

Michiel started his career as 50% of the programming team of Epic Megagames’ PC classic “Jazz Jackrabbit 2”. He did some game code, some engine code and then moved to be Technical Director of Guerrilla’s proprietary engine from 2006 on. After releasing a PlayStation 4 launch title – Killzone Shadow Fall – he helped transform Guerrilla’s engine from a First Person Shooter engine to a fully Open World one. This engine and toolset has been used to create the critically acclaimed Horizon Zero Dawn, got named as Decima at the same time that industry legend Hideo Kojima announced that they are collaborating with, and will be using Guerrilla’s engine in their upcoming title Death Stranding. Michiel still enjoys coding as part of his daily work.

MGS3 Connection...?
Ahhhh... The Kojima Style

In scene "Sorrow Easter Egg"
The Line "Die Liebenden"
I reference here
"The loving ones By Bertolt Brecht

Bertolt wrote over 1000 German poems...

About Bertolt

"Epic Theatre proposed that a play should not cause the spectator to identify emotionally with the characters or action before him or her, but should instead provoke rational self-reflection and a critical view of the action on the stage. Brecht thought that the experience of a climactic catharsis of emotion left an audience complacent. Instead, he wanted his audiences to adopt a critical perspective in order to recognise social injustice and exploitation and to be moved to go forth from the theatre and effect change in the world outside. For this purpose, Brecht employed the use of techniques that remind the spectator that the play is a representation of reality and not reality itself. By highlighting the constructed nature of the theatrical event, Brecht hoped to communicate that the audience's reality was equally constructed and, as such, was changeable."

The Line "Die Liebenden"
By Bertolt Brecht

See those cranes in a big turn!
The clouds that were attached
to them moved with them as they flew
out of one life into another life.
At the same height and with the same haste,
they only seem to both.
So that the crane shares with the cloud
The beautiful sky, which they flee for a short time
So that no one lingers here any longer
and sees no other than the weighing of the
other in the wind, both of which feel
now in flight:
The wind likes them like that to kidnap into nothingness.
If only they do not pass away and stay
so long they can not touch anything for
so long You can drive them from any place
Where rain threatens or shots sound.
So under Sun and Moon's various slices, they
fly away, completely falling apart.
Where are you going? - Nowhere. From whom? - From all.
You ask, how long have they been together?
Recently. - And when will they part? - Soon.
So the love lovers seems a stop.

There was not direct reference to this poem but given the style
and death references I find the connections to be rather confounding, again this is just a hunch that Kojima has been referencing people and works that he loves and this one would make a ton of sense.


Game Master Research for Death Stranding
by dreadthedays
Please credit dreadthedays


research F.E (4)

In a video by Pythonselkin there is an image of Kojima and a building that seemed to display the Letters F.E.
and then I believe I may spy the corner of a 4. Upon my research I found this:

Specifically to be used for ground cannons
Used in both world war I and II from the F.E.4 factory division of the Royal Air Force
The plane in question was used specifically by the British Overseas Airways Corporation (BOAC)[1] during the Second World War.
I would call it a coincidence but at this point I am about to use the eye dropper tool on the walls of videos just to see the hex codes lol
Welcome to Koimas division of 3301

HexaDECIMAl number #204368 = Blue (in the trailers the red is even black.... but the blue remains in tact, could this be a coincidence? Perhaps) ;)
The color of the door that the people inter in the low roar video is also blue. But I digress... lol
( Oh, you are still here? )

If you use this information please credit "Dreadthedays"


Damon becoming 17 in two days and… and…

So, today I must do the needful…  dishes, laundry, vacuum a bit, pantry organization and then, when I am satisfied with the condition of the house… I must write a letter... What do you put in a letter for your son who you have not seen in 12 years? A person I know so little about. I have not seen him since he was five. He turns 17 Monday but I wait until the last day every year, freaking out about what to say, or rather.. not to say. He will be an adult for all sense an purpose so soon... One year? Holy shit.

A day that I told myself would take (what seemed like) a lifetime to come. After that fateful, awful, day in court that I gave in and submitted to their demands. After the constant harassment, false police reports, stalking and lies. I regretfully signed him over. Not because I wanted to, but because my lawyer said I should and no family had my back.

Not to mention the deceitful court system… I had to have "lesbian" stricken from the record so many times I was blue in the face. I was physically not well and after all of the psychological things my husband had put me through, despicable things I have never, and likely will never disclose… I gave up.

So many things awry that I could hardly even identify every crime played upon me as the stagnated person I was when I was with him.  Years later, as an informed but bruised if not hindered adult after the war was over I could see so much clearer. I recognize the abuse for what it always was, most certainly in the beginning when I was still hardly understanding how the world worked. I never saw it coming…  The warning signs or manipulation of a man who left me miseducated, defeated and worn, barren without my only child.

I was was ignorant, ill educated and vastly unequipped to deal with the grotesque psychological warfare that he waged on me, I was too immature and uninformed. I certainly didn't understand the law, the court system seemed like a web of traps.. I had no leg to stand on. I didn't understand how he could have had so many bank accounts, phone numbers or condoms I knee nothing about, for that matter…  sad as that may be. I was more hurt than guarded and certainly more injured than ready for a legal battle for my child.

This all transpired because I had decided that our relationship was unhealthy, and I wanted a divorce, after years of infidelity, confusion and the seemingly purposeful misleading I felt used and I wanted out. That relationship was certainly NOT healthy, with the  older, and far wiser, man willing to sacrifice my health or even life…  to yield him a child. Sadly the idea of him being so wonderful was so ingrained that even today I sometimes wonder if he would be proud if me.…  sick as it may be.

At the time, I blamed myself for a barrage of things that I now see so clearly as not my own errors to claim. Yet, even still, my baggage and pain to carry regardless of clarity. I was a easy, needy target for that man and he was all too eager to pay the way for me. Honest men look for suitable, educated WOMEN…  not little girls. Though I was smart, don't get me wrong, I was quick, I was still a child at 15 when he found me, no no matter how I'd rather spin it to save my own disgrace…  or his honour.

I was an impoverished and malnourished child with severe daddy issues. I was all too eager to please, still in a shadowed haze of post sexual abuse ingrained upon me in my very early years by several unrespectable, disgusting men, all of whom I had trusted. I had a distorted vision of love and he knew that, he saw it and he ran with it in every way possible.

So, I digress, coming back around to the birthday, the letter and Damon…  I was unable to deal with more LIFE of constant courtrooms of forcing any beautiful gifted child to suffer. Too akin to the doom I suffered from the custody battles of my parents, rape allegations and molestation court which began when I was just 6. I hate courtrooms so much…

So, last night I could not quiet my mind. It was moving a million miles a min... the who's and why's plague me often but this time of year I am riddled with them. Considering how I have honestly lived my whole life eating the displaced blame of the so many elder people who were around me… wondering why or who would want that for their child? I know didn't. I felt If removing me…  meant that  it would stop the nonsense (because, otherwise, despite myself, his family seemed like  compassionate people) who was I to steal his childhood selfishly?

Now, the doubt of these many years of guilt, wonder, pain and tears and hoping that I made the right choice… could come to light at any moment. The idea both daunting and exciting, I suppose... fear is a good word for it.

So, what now??? Ya know, What can I say other than Happy Birthday, I miss you..
Perhaps one day, At the moment of truth…  (dependingon his age) That I stepped back to save him from what I perceived as needless suffering because I wanted him to live a better life than I did…  even if it meant he hated me? Do I lie to save the face of his father in his eyes 👀 ? Likely yes.

 Ever still…

I cannot stop thinking…  will it happen soon? I think.. maybe already has…  in the ghosting of me. I don't know if he is alive, where he is or if Howard told him lies about me, or about us. I assumed he would have to or admit that man who was 9 years the senior to a smitten 15 year old wayward girl stole her only child in such a screwed up way.

I often wonder…  did his family move him far away…  Did they change his name? Does he hate me? I just wanted to say how I have been feeling…  chaotic for days, years even. Confused about what to say, less confused about what transpired, but every passing day that I miss him so very, very much. 

That much is the truth… .


Full System Collapse (Poem/Rap) – By Dana Kerr

posted on the net February 4, 2014 at 8:35am If I, could have seen the me, I would be, I would have led the way When I spit out the words, upon your mind, I've uttered In the lights, the sound, in the end... you stay Post-hoc, intellection, of the masses... I find you, feel you... forward... sway... The flicker, the race, the momentum takes pace... I wait here, sounds fill, the will supersedes An incursion of source, force of my volition, a vacuum I travel along to the rate when I'm flashing Intermolecular web-weaving ventricle Collapsing system of anticipation, On this platform I'm scheming I'm walking in tandem, a force, since our closet close secrets The frequent request, behest of my condition A fulcrum, a flower, in which you are leaning pneumatic is your heat, a modish auxiliary a stark reality, adept cerebration I'm a, pale skin lyricist, a psychoanalyst allegory abstractionist, valor and vent I preach free society, escape from piety Wasted assets are insanity, I'm appalled, bent Food, the distant past of the current fiat system Appalling, rain barrels are a social offence? Seeds equate to years of self-mortification? A prison We have streamlined the virtual masses Screaming out from sick disposition Irreverent irrelevance, just a socio-economic bargaining chip Made of , hands secured by yellow tape vices A class of figures too hard to break, I'm irate You open your eyes too wide to see the future The paper blood of war is a washed-out lesson If you get the next line it is a point well taken... Religions are contemporary pasts of future misconceptions About the Writer Dana Kerr (dreadthedays) is a Ph.D. Student focused on Philosophy (Social Psychology) at Walden University https://soundcloud.com/dreadthedays I can be found on soundcloud at the link above. Support me by checking out my spoken word and remix page, and listening to a few things. The more exposure I get, the better my chances of financing for future projects. Thank you for your time!!! Leave a Mssg on the actual post so everyone can see it!


Rant about the progress of man

Post about how we as humans need to progress....... So.... The problem I have with killing a lion is that there that there is no use in useless killing, lions are nearly extinct. First and foremost, if you have to kill something you should be selective as to not reduce numbers of anything. We should never cause anything to totally become extinct because they belong to all of us and the decision is not unanimous. They could have some use in the system that we are destroying. I do not think we have developed in time evolutionarily or the system, if you will, to obliterate the rest of the species on our planet. I do not stand behind killing shit just to kill it. I don't stand behind killing them for just coats either or any secular use, especially that which is of mere fancy. I do not support nailing a species that is going extinct to a f*#$(*^ board. Kill it and eat it. Wear it, boil the bones. Use the fur, if you must. Enjoy killing it even, I don't give a shit about your enjoyment, that part is none of my business,honestly. F*^%*% you for thinking otherwise. This planet, in which we live, is F*%*&^ all of ours. Regardless of the imaginary lines we have created. I don't even give a shit about those lines as long as they do not impede me or keep me from going as I may, impeding as little as I may. I want to educate, help people and produce what I use with my own hands to the best of my ability. IF you want to sit on your ass go for it, just don't stand in my way. We need leaders who give a shit about what is ACTUALLY going on. We need people to stand up and take the F%*^% stand and give a shit about something other than making F*&%#*& MONEY!!!!! I love how murder only applies to humans. If someone killed a human it would be a big F*&^@#*&^ deal. The difference is that were clearly not going extinct. lulz... Perhaps everyone gets mad when lions are killed because because lions are F&*^*&adorable, ferocious creatures... Endangered animals are killed every F#*($)(*#^ day... But not hot girls with pictures are involved so no one gives a flying shit. Killing a lion for sport in a place you are not even F*&%*&^% from... to top it off.. going there JUST to kill the F*(^(*^&(* Lion?? Really?? This is not even close to being productive in any way. Killing random shit for what gain? How does this help anything... sustain anything? From now on were going to to judge this way.. I know it sounds harsh but if you are not producing something... anything at all or being productive as a human in some manner or learning something and progressing as a species.. We will not be the best of friends, I assure you. Even the conception of thought is the production of something that is helpful, especially in others. S Now,I know a lot of people hunt for game... but I do not remember the last time I heard of someone killing a deer and then not eating it...or fishing and not eating it unless you throw it back and don't kill it. We clearly have no real reason to be here and as is were all kind of making it up as we go along. We will never progress unless we all do something useful to the grander scheme of sustainability. I make clothes, hats, jewelry, I help people all the time. I hold doors for strangers, I lend my hand if it is not otherwise being used to another cause. I am an artist and I am saying this? I produce goods with my hands that are made from recycled materials that would otherwise be thrown away, to the best of my ability as I am not 100%,no one is as the world has made this almost completely unavoidable.Every inch of the land has been tampered with and not for the good of anything worth while at all. I know it is the narcissist in me speaking but I think that we should all be trying much harder to make this work the best we can. We try to solve problems and we all point outward instead of inward for the answers. Make something you need,tell me how it feels. It can change you indefinitely. Council another person, help them. Create some kind of productive energy reaction that pushes others to create more, try harder. Conserve that you can, help whom you can... do something F&^(& productive for F^&% sake.