So, today I must do the needful… dishes, laundry, vacuum a bit, pantry organization and then, when I am satisfied with the condition of the house… I must write a letter... What do you put in a letter for your son who you have not seen in 12 years? A person I know so little about. I have not seen him since he was five. He turns 17 Monday but I wait until the last day every year, freaking out about what to say, or rather.. not to say. He will be an adult for all sense an purpose so soon... One year? Holy shit.
A day that I told myself would take (what seemed like) a lifetime to come. After that fateful, awful, day in court that I gave in and submitted to their demands. After the constant harassment, false police reports, stalking and lies. I regretfully signed him over. Not because I wanted to, but because my lawyer said I should and no family had my back.
Not to mention the deceitful court system… I had to have "lesbian" stricken from the record so many times I was blue in the face. I was physically not well and after all of the psychological things my husband had put me through, despicable things I have never, and likely will never disclose… I gave up.
So many things awry that I could hardly even identify every crime played upon me as the stagnated person I was when I was with him. Years later, as an informed but bruised if not hindered adult after the war was over I could see so much clearer. I recognize the abuse for what it always was, most certainly in the beginning when I was still hardly understanding how the world worked. I never saw it coming… The warning signs or manipulation of a man who left me miseducated, defeated and worn, barren without my only child.
I was was ignorant, ill educated and vastly unequipped to deal with the grotesque psychological warfare that he waged on me, I was too immature and uninformed. I certainly didn't understand the law, the court system seemed like a web of traps.. I had no leg to stand on. I didn't understand how he could have had so many bank accounts, phone numbers or condoms I knee nothing about, for that matter… sad as that may be. I was more hurt than guarded and certainly more injured than ready for a legal battle for my child.
This all transpired because I had decided that our relationship was unhealthy, and I wanted a divorce, after years of infidelity, confusion and the seemingly purposeful misleading I felt used and I wanted out. That relationship was certainly NOT healthy, with the older, and far wiser, man willing to sacrifice my health or even life… to yield him a child. Sadly the idea of him being so wonderful was so ingrained that even today I sometimes wonder if he would be proud if me.… sick as it may be.
At the time, I blamed myself for a barrage of things that I now see so clearly as not my own errors to claim. Yet, even still, my baggage and pain to carry regardless of clarity. I was a easy, needy target for that man and he was all too eager to pay the way for me. Honest men look for suitable, educated WOMEN… not little girls. Though I was smart, don't get me wrong, I was quick, I was still a child at 15 when he found me, no no matter how I'd rather spin it to save my own disgrace… or his honour.
I was an impoverished and malnourished child with severe daddy issues. I was all too eager to please, still in a shadowed haze of post sexual abuse ingrained upon me in my very early years by several unrespectable, disgusting men, all of whom I had trusted. I had a distorted vision of love and he knew that, he saw it and he ran with it in every way possible.
So, I digress, coming back around to the birthday, the letter and Damon… I was unable to deal with more LIFE of constant courtrooms of forcing any beautiful gifted child to suffer. Too akin to the doom I suffered from the custody battles of my parents, rape allegations and molestation court which began when I was just 6. I hate courtrooms so much…
So, last night I could not quiet my mind. It was moving a million miles a min... the who's and why's plague me often but this time of year I am riddled with them. Considering how I have honestly lived my whole life eating the displaced blame of the so many elder people who were around me… wondering why or who would want that for their child? I know didn't. I felt If removing me… meant that it would stop the nonsense (because, otherwise, despite myself, his family seemed like compassionate people) who was I to steal his childhood selfishly?
Now, the doubt of these many years of guilt, wonder, pain and tears and hoping that I made the right choice… could come to light at any moment. The idea both daunting and exciting, I suppose... fear is a good word for it.
So, what now??? Ya know, What can I say other than Happy Birthday, I miss you..
Perhaps one day, At the moment of truth… (dependingon his age) That I stepped back to save him from what I perceived as needless suffering because I wanted him to live a better life than I did… even if it meant he hated me? Do I lie to save the face of his father in his eyes 👀 ? Likely yes.
I cannot stop thinking… will it happen soon? I think.. maybe already has… in the ghosting of me. I don't know if he is alive, where he is or if Howard told him lies about me, or about us. I assumed he would have to or admit that man who was 9 years the senior to a smitten 15 year old wayward girl stole her only child in such a screwed up way.
I often wonder… did his family move him far away… Did they change his name? Does he hate me? I just wanted to say how I have been feeling… chaotic for days, years even. Confused about what to say, less confused about what transpired, but every passing day that I miss him so very, very much.
That much is the truth… .
posted on the net February 4, 2014 at 8:35am If I, could have seen the me, I would be, I would have led the way When I spit out the words, upon your mind, I've uttered In the lights, the sound, in the end... you stay Post-hoc, intellection, of the masses... I find you, feel you... forward... sway... The flicker, the race, the momentum takes pace... I wait here, sounds fill, the will supersedes An incursion of source, force of my volition, a vacuum I travel along to the rate when I'm flashing Intermolecular web-weaving ventricle Collapsing system of anticipation, On this platform I'm scheming I'm walking in tandem, a force, since our closet close secrets The frequent request, behest of my condition A fulcrum, a flower, in which you are leaning pneumatic is your heat, a modish auxiliary a stark reality, adept cerebration I'm a, pale skin lyricist, a psychoanalyst allegory abstractionist, valor and vent I preach free society, escape from piety Wasted assets are insanity, I'm appalled, bent Food, the distant past of the current fiat system Appalling, rain barrels are a social offence? Seeds equate to years of self-mortification? A prison We have streamlined the virtual masses Screaming out from sick disposition Irreverent irrelevance, just a socio-economic bargaining chip Made of , hands secured by yellow tape vices A class of figures too hard to break, I'm irate You open your eyes too wide to see the future The paper blood of war is a washed-out lesson If you get the next line it is a point well taken... Religions are contemporary pasts of future misconceptions About the Writer Dana Kerr (dreadthedays) is a Ph.D. Student focused on Philosophy (Social Psychology) at Walden University https://soundcloud.com/dreadthedays I can be found on soundcloud at the link above. Support me by checking out my spoken word and remix page, and listening to a few things. The more exposure I get, the better my chances of financing for future projects. Thank you for your time!!! Leave a Mssg on the actual post so everyone can see it!
Post about how we as humans need to progress....... So.... The problem I have with killing a lion is that there that there is no use in useless killing, lions are nearly extinct. First and foremost, if you have to kill something you should be selective as to not reduce numbers of anything. We should never cause anything to totally become extinct because they belong to all of us and the decision is not unanimous. They could have some use in the system that we are destroying. I do not think we have developed in time evolutionarily or the system, if you will, to obliterate the rest of the species on our planet. I do not stand behind killing shit just to kill it. I don't stand behind killing them for just coats either or any secular use, especially that which is of mere fancy. I do not support nailing a species that is going extinct to a f*#$(*^ board. Kill it and eat it. Wear it, boil the bones. Use the fur, if you must. Enjoy killing it even, I don't give a shit about your enjoyment, that part is none of my business,honestly. F*^%*% you for thinking otherwise. This planet, in which we live, is F*%*&^ all of ours. Regardless of the imaginary lines we have created. I don't even give a shit about those lines as long as they do not impede me or keep me from going as I may, impeding as little as I may. I want to educate, help people and produce what I use with my own hands to the best of my ability. IF you want to sit on your ass go for it, just don't stand in my way. We need leaders who give a shit about what is ACTUALLY going on. We need people to stand up and take the F%*^% stand and give a shit about something other than making F*&%#*& MONEY!!!!! I love how murder only applies to humans. If someone killed a human it would be a big F*&^@#*&^ deal. The difference is that were clearly not going extinct. lulz... Perhaps everyone gets mad when lions are killed because because lions are F&*^*&adorable, ferocious creatures... Endangered animals are killed every F#*($)(*#^ day... But not hot girls with pictures are involved so no one gives a flying shit. Killing a lion for sport in a place you are not even F*&%*&^% from... to top it off.. going there JUST to kill the F*(^(*^&(* Lion?? Really?? This is not even close to being productive in any way. Killing random shit for what gain? How does this help anything... sustain anything? From now on were going to to judge this way.. I know it sounds harsh but if you are not producing something... anything at all or being productive as a human in some manner or learning something and progressing as a species.. We will not be the best of friends, I assure you. Even the conception of thought is the production of something that is helpful, especially in others. S Now,I know a lot of people hunt for game... but I do not remember the last time I heard of someone killing a deer and then not eating it...or fishing and not eating it unless you throw it back and don't kill it. We clearly have no real reason to be here and as is were all kind of making it up as we go along. We will never progress unless we all do something useful to the grander scheme of sustainability. I make clothes, hats, jewelry, I help people all the time. I hold doors for strangers, I lend my hand if it is not otherwise being used to another cause. I am an artist and I am saying this? I produce goods with my hands that are made from recycled materials that would otherwise be thrown away, to the best of my ability as I am not 100%,no one is as the world has made this almost completely unavoidable.Every inch of the land has been tampered with and not for the good of anything worth while at all. I know it is the narcissist in me speaking but I think that we should all be trying much harder to make this work the best we can. We try to solve problems and we all point outward instead of inward for the answers. Make something you need,tell me how it feels. It can change you indefinitely. Council another person, help them. Create some kind of productive energy reaction that pushes others to create more, try harder. Conserve that you can, help whom you can... do something F&^(& productive for F^&% sake.