So a few months ago I announced my intent to marry Mr Anthony Kerr. We had been pawning over the detail of spontaneous vs. planned. After witnessing all of the troubles arise from a very unplanned marriage, we decided to plan it out. We are getting married justice of the peace style legally first. We are planning the wedding ceremony to not be the actual legal wedding but the symbolic one.

I am currently helping Jon, my brother, plan his wedding as well. This should help keep the tasks fresh in my mind - hopefully keeping me focused (doubtful).I helped design the invitations and helped pick the dress out (I had fun doing it) and it gave me a few ideas. It is fantastic Jon is getting married, I love Emily.

Because of our eccentric tastes we have opted to buy most stuff online. This is nice because it gives me the chance to show the stuff and get response before I buy it. We have already picked out our rings from the Pyramid Collection and have picked out my wedding dress (yes he helped and I don't care). We are pawning over what style he wants to wear. We decided to have a black wedding with red and white accents so this will be interesting. I want to feel like an evil princess lol I want a sparkle black tiara and a black veil. I am thrilled he wants to do it this way. So far we think it will be out side. If it rains... I hope it rains hard.

I do not want it to be a gawdy black wedding either. I want something sleek going on (as I sound completely the opposite). I am hoping that people respect my wish for red black or white, at least nothing obscenely bright (please) (save white of course). I was going to get the traditional Renessance dress but I have decided to go a little more sleek in all black with hints of dark red as accents such as jewelry. I am not having brides mades or anything like that to save on cash. I can not afford to pay for a bunch of dresses and such. I don't want some jerk to screw up my photos by looking the odd one out in a sunshine yellow dress or array of various fun flowers (mom). If anyone has any ideas let me know. I would like to shoot for early October.

So here we go you guys.. into the whole wide world of planning... I picked out my dress.. here is the link


Gothic Black Tiara small

We also picked out our rings:

Onyx & Garnet Ring Onyx Raven's Ring

We have yet to pick a location but that is the least of the details I am worried about.


Surgery... My medical History

To you who already know the story of my medical crap you can skip the first paragraph other wise it is important to understand the procedure. Enough people ahve asked that I explain so I opted to not have to mail it 20 times.

Over the past 10 years I have had many surgeries to remove cysts from my body. I had my first surgery on my Wrist when I was 19. Then, then I was 21we found out I have endometriosis and I had a lap surgery to remove the tissue growing in my abdomen at an apparently rapid rate. Then when I was 22 I had surgery on my back to remove a pilonidal cyst. The excision was 7x5 inches. At the same time I had a cyst removed from my labia Majora, called a Bartholin cyst. They diagnosed me as "cystic". A few years later it became aware that I had MRSA. I had cysts all over my body from the time I was 12 until now. They vary in severity but most can be cared for at home. Over the past two years I have been aware of a ovarian cyst that was supposed to go away on its own and seemed to be just sitting there. Because there no increase no decrease in size the doctors opted to leave it there. It has caused me much pain and irregularities. This year it went from the size of a pea to the resemblance in shape and size of a large Kiwi. The problem is that I lost my left tube in a 5 month tubal four years ago. It happened right after my back surgery. It caused me to have frequent PID infections. When they did the tests to see if I had abnormalities in cell structure they found ASCUS which is a type of warning might-be-cancer cells.

I am having a four (wtf) part procedure. The first part will be a lap and a D&C to clean out the Uterus and look for fibroids which can make a positive ASCUS result. They will then burn away the endometriosis they find. After that they will remove the cyst from the overy. They then need to repair the tube if needed and of not they have to shoot dye through it to make sure the tube is functional. It will take several hours and I have to stay two or three days depending on the assessment. If they need to they might have to do a laparotomy which is kind of like a c section in case the procedure requires more arm room. I know that was long but its hard to explain.

The results...

A lack of a huge cyst, A fixed tube and a diagnosis for the frequent infections, Less painful endo tissue, Painless sex?.. maybe I don't know yet.. I am scared about that part because I am seriously used to it. A few more sweet scars? I will know if I can naturally reproduce or -for that matter- at all. If they find fibroids, as suspected, I have to have another procedure after I am healed to remove them.

Much of the terms I use because I have dealt with it for so long. I don't mind. It's actually nice to talk about it.

Tomorrow morning I will know when I must go. I am seriously terrified. I think I have never been so terrified in my entire life. I want children so bad you guys that it shakes my entire foundation and effects me to the bone. I feel breathless at times... I have been crying uncontrollably. I can't help it. The thought of never being able to experience what I loved and lost is breaking me slowly. I miss my child and wanted nothing more than the chance to do it again and hold and love and be there.... wtf...