Change of Plans

so much has happened...

I am going to copy from my blog on myspace so you can see whats been happening..

08:08 - The past (current)

Well it has been a few days and I have had a lot of time to think about the past few years. In my hope to save the world I let myself fall into a pit of depression and dependancy. I have not done the thing I wished to do and I am not the person I wish to be. I remember years back when I began the commune that I wanted to choose people who would thrive in such a setting and grow together. Then low and behold I relized that you can not just put a bunch of people together and expect them to get along let alone survive I was a but nuts. I tried my damndest to help everyone out and I put myself (and others) into great debt because of it. I still have several of the houses and all of the bills they had remaining after we left on my credit.. Although I realize that money is not the forerunner of importance I do realize now that I am fucked pretty bad that It is something you need to have. Credit is of utmost importance and without it you don't get nearly as far. When I move out of state many of those bills will not be an issue but some of them will follow me forever, or untill I deal with them. When I think back about all the the time I lost not getting my shit together I want to kick myself. I know that my resting was important but you know I could have done so much more with myself. Now I am 27 and thinking back about not only how much time I wasted but everyone else too. Why did so many of us do so little? why did we fail to progress as people? I do not understand this at all and it upset me because I spent a lot of money over those years.. I spent close to 54,000.00 in four years. Thats no chump change but I thought it was worth it. I loved everyone and I cared more than I should have for some. Now I am at a loss for words about the situation. Everyone is going a different direction and I know how wrong I was about our fate. I did not invent this path because it has always been here, I merely followed it. I wish everyone gained from it all but sadly enough I doubt they have. Some have moved on and some have left in anger.. its been a long road. Now the new road begins and I am not taking any guesses. I am not going to take any unnecessary chances either.

13 Sep 2007

00:30 - No marriage

There has been a lot of craziness around here with the plans for the future. Things will certainly be different. I have been crying off and on for three days and I think I am finally at terms with this. We have asked Nikki to move in and she has accepted but it will be months before we can depend on any help from that direction because she is trying to get her own plans together. I am pretty stressed out trying to think of money solutions. People keep telling me it will eb cheaper because of the less people but I know better than that. The bills are already really low and I have no idea where we will get the money to pay the mortgage. I only make 600 a month and I do not even have my bridge cared anymore because of Anthony's unemployment. Fortunately we will be able to get my card again once he goes back to work which will help a great deal. I can not really depend on his money right now because he has to pay for the car and insurance plus the credit card bill and other misc bills... Things are certainly a heap of mess. We can not really afford to pay out for my dress or anything else for that matter. I wanted to be a part of his family. I wanted to have his mane but now we have to wait and I am really bummed out.. I am bummed about Bernadette and Phil... I am bummed about not having a baby here to love and hold.. I am depressed about the wedding plans and most of all I am seriously confused about my emotions and Bernadette.. it has been so long I don't really know what to say or how to feel. Then again I suppose we all saw this change coming if you keep up with my blog...

I think things can be okay. I talked to my mother today and she is supportive for once. Anthony told his dad about it and he agrees it is alright not to be married right now... Not that we were going to because of family or morals.. but because we love one another and we wanted to be legally connected... its fine. I think that eventually everything will make more sense.

12 Sep 2007

18:17 - Big News

Bernadette and Phil are getting an apartment.

Bernadete and I are still tight and this is a civil and mutually decided thing.

Please do not distance yourselves because of it.

We both still love you all but our roads go in different direactions.

Please understand.

We do not want to make a huge deal of things because stress is the last thing she or I needs. anthony and I are fine, Phil and Bernadette are fine. Things will be okay so like I said... we are shaken up a bit but we understand the change is a much needed thing. She and her family need space.. I am part of her family always but my life needs me to travel and move to a big city.. eventually people will get used to the change. I know it will take me a while but I know things can sometimes happen in order to follow ones individual fate... who knows it could well be the childs.. I do not know.

11 Sep 2007

01:14 - NEW ART

Please go to the digital art section of my pictures by following this picture link <3>

10 Sep 2007

15:51 - Map repost hilarious

take 60 seconds to do this, I guarantee you will show someone else, it's too funny not to.

1. go to http://www.google.com/
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. click on "get directions"
7. scroll down to step 23

09 Sep 2007

14:55 - Finding myself again

Okay so it has been months now since the major change in this house. To you who do not know it I should start by saying Bernadette and I are not the same. It has been about 6 months since we have been physically close and we no longer share the same room. This is really weird for me. I wake up daily to what seems like our normal room but things are not the same. Because of room and privacy she and Phil have there own room now and have for several weeks. It began when she stopped sleeping in our room and began sleeping on the couch with Phil. No one is to blame except myself. I think the years of hurting and jealousy really broke our relationship down. We would date a guy because the two of us apparently love men and then I would lose my mind. I was posessive and overbearing and eventually she gave up trying to be with the same person because she could not handle how I would treat her out of jealousy. You know a lot of that jealousy is really all about my own lack of confidence and self respect. I think the thought that she is small and maneuverable and I am quite the latter made me fear the sexual comparison. I can not do the things she can and I am not tiny like she is... I began to find myself hating the way I look and hating the way seeing tiny clothes and a pirfect body everyday made me feel. This was not her fault.. she has always loved me. Only now am I beginning to feel the reality of everything. Technically in all sence of the word we are no longer in a relationship such as a couple would be. We have a relationship that is a dire friendship. I love her like I always have but something inside of me hurts more deeply that I can convay on screen. The times we shared.. the way she touched me. The image of myself in mere comparison is enough to bring me to tears. What made me so bitter and jealous? What made me drive her further and further away? Why did I beg her to stay when I knew that eventually she would need what I could not give her. I will never understand why I am who I am or why I feel the way I do. It is certainly not a lack of love because at the thought of her being gone from my life forever I tremble and shake. The truth is that no one ever related to me the way she had. She has always been sensitive to my feelings when I had no one else to turn to, no one I would trust enough to tell. This has been eating me alove for a few months and I feel the need to voice this to you my most trusted few. I love Anthony with everything I am. I have given him all of me that I have to give. He loves me and I can feel it .. I am sure of it. How can you explain to the person your in love with that you hurt to the depths of your very being because you feel this horrible loss. That you can not shake the feeling of losing one of the only people you have ever really loved since you were a teenager? Even though I know I have not lost her... it feels so fucked up. I no longer run to her to hold me when I am hurt. When he and I have a falling out I can not bare for her to comfort me because he should be the one, not her. She told me the other day, as we separated our clothes for the first time in over nine years, that she has always loved me and she always will and as much as that hurts to hear I think I needed to hear it. I can not stop loving her even now in lieu of these revelations. These feelings I am having are not new. Although not many knew, I have always had these insecurities. When we would be with a man and I would think I had missed something... I lost my fucking mind. I would be hateful and cold for long periods of time towards her for no reason. I am too possessive and I would make her cry. Years back I told her this would be the future. I could see it clear as day. I told her not to waste her time loving me because I knew she would one day meet someone who is everything I am not. He would love her in ways I am unable because I am fucked up. He would give her a child because I knew how bad she desired a family that I could not give that to her. Now this premonition has become reality and I am awestruck at the accuracy. Did I make it happen because I am fucked up in the head or did I actually see the future - that no matter how hard I tried would be our fate? Don't get me wrong I love Phil probably more than he will ever know. I respect him because he has cared for her in ways I never did. I just feel this pain that shakes me from the time I wake until the time I sleep. I failed her in more ways than anyone will ever know. I pushed her away because I was stupid and human. Anthony tried to keep it together and he tried to understand but her fear of a repeat emotional rollercoaster kept her far away from both of us, especially him- for fear of me. I had hurt her emotionally too many times. There was no way I could ever mend those scars and no way to fix what I had long ago broken and never mended because I was merely unable to force myself to stop.

Each day things get a little easier. I almost find it easier to think of her as being his and not my own because then I don't feel this immense feeling of it being so wrong. I do not feel so betrayed by myself or anyone else. I want to repeat that I love Phil and that I blame nothing on him if anything I owe him for making her happy when I could not. He was merely thrown into something I think he hardly understood. The facade of normality between Bernadette and I could not go on forever. She and I were drifting apart sexually and emotionally even then. I could not lock her away from everything being miserable.. just to keep her. It was wrong of me to try.

Now that things have changed everyone is relatively happy. She loves him with everything she has and that is the way it should be. He is the father of her unborn child and her lover in all senses of the word. I can see they match far better than she and I ever did. I look at pictures of us and I think that we were young and we clung together against the odds. She knows things about my emotions that no one will ever get to experience. I was lucky she stuck around because without her I doubt I would have made it. At times I truly wanted to die.. I wanted to give up because I no longer had Damon and I knew he had a new family hundreds of miles away. I knew she loved me and she needed me and in only that I was able to go on. She convinced me I was not worthless in times I felt hardly human and she loved me even when I was so depressed I could not get out of bed. You know women often are so much more sensitive. She still can look at me and see that something is wrong without me saying a word.. because she knows me.

Anthony breaks all of the stigmas I have always associated with men. He cares for me and often he can see through me better than I can see myself. He is certainly not as emotional as I am nor is he as irrational and those are all good things. I think I feared no man would ever know me in such a manner again after Howard. He does not placate my emotions or fears such as she always has but that is okay.. maybe I need to stop placating and begin to grow stronger. I feel stronger now that I am getting my education and he supports me. He sits here with me when I am lonely doing school work and he rubs my shoulders because they get tense from typing for hours on end and he pays more attention to me than any man ever has. He loves to go places and he holds me at night. I can not ask for anything more because there is nothing more I need. It is hard to explain to a person who cares for me with such lack of reserve (in showing it) that I still hurt so bad that I often cry myself to sleep. Not because I am dissatisfied but because I feel this immense loss for the woman I called me own... and only my own and never anyone else's. This woman who nursed me to health and helped me care for my child.. I can not put into words the joys and pains we have experienced. I look forward to experiencing those things with him and growing closer by the day. I look forward to eventually holding our child and seeing ourselves within that being we will create. I look forward to getting past this pain and feeling those unexplainable joys. For now I must heal a whole lifetimes worth of pain. I must come to terms with my own faults and my own shortcomings. I must grow to be a stronger person so I can give myself without baggage. It will be hard and I know I can do it. I just need a little time to find myself again so I can be as good to him as he is to me. I just hope he has th patience because there is no one else I want more.

07 Sep 2007

20:54 - Listen up - B named him Mathias
Current mood: listening to Anthony drum!!!

So to you who are lame and never go to Bernadette's page I thought you should know that the baby is a boy and he is going to have the first name Mathias. Yes to you know know me well you will know I lost a friend named Mathias this year and although Bernadette did not know him she and Phil heard the name and loved it.. it means something to me. I want you all to write to her because she feels like no one really cares.. she posted the sex of the baby days ago and still she has only three replys. Please do my this favor and respond to her post and not mine. Her post is below...