First three days in colorado

22 Jul 2007 Colorado

We reached Colorado today after two long days of driving through the most corn fields I have ever seen. So far we have stayed at two decent hotels and had lunch in a rest/park thing. The mountains are not really within sight here in port-something. We did go to a few large fishing/camping everything else super stores which was pretty sweet. I was stung or bit tonight by something on the uper underarm. We are watching a special on Egypt and relaxing right now. Tomarrow is an early start to make way to Estes Park. We will be staying in rocky national park for about a week if everything goes right. Oh and I should say that this computer only has MSN so I am using aim moile which sucks but it will work. My grades are still not in but my teacher says they will be by tomarrow so getting my loan will be easy because they will probably give the school the request around tuesday and by then I will have my new GPA. I know I probably did not get two A's this semester but I am sure I got at least a B. I am pretty excited about it though because it was a pretty difficult class. Well I am really tired and I need to lie down. I love you all... I will be online late tomarrow night. <3 <3 ... I can not find the camera right now either which sucks because I was going to put some pictures online tonight... I will do it tomarrow probably .. save I have not lost it :{ if this is the case I suppose I will have to get a new one when I get home.


23 Jul 2007

Colorado - Rocky Mt National park and Estes Park Current mood: peaceful
I have uploaded pictures on Myspace (search dreadthedays@gmail.com if you have one because you have to be a member to see them), fortunatly we found the camera. I have been eating rock candy made from the best chocolate I have ever had. Anthony and his dad are fishing today while I hang were with Ben. I don't mind because I know it is really hot out and I do not want to get any more of a tan than I already have. I did, however, forget to bring my freaking dress for the wedding but Anthony's dad Fred is going to help me out on that because he rocks hard core. I am having the time of my life. I have been to the top of the rocky mountains now at a whopping 12,000 ft above sea level. I was scared and clung to the door and Anthony the whole way up. Some jackass was riding our ass for like 20 min and it sucked a lot because it made the ride pretty high tension.. as if it was not enough to begin with. The Inn that we are at is pretty sweet. We are all in the same room which is different. I do have wifi though so I can not complain. Last night I got online and realized that I forgot to post an assignment and had to download openoffice and make the assignment to turn it in only an hour before the deadline! it was a rat race... Today I cleaned the room and went to get som sugar for my tea.. when I returned Ben was on the bed and a little chipmonk was running all over the room!! I was like WTF! it was halarious. I am deleting a few pictures from my album to make room so don't be upset when there are less pics of the twins lol. Today we hit the shopping scene in the heart of Estes park which I am excited about because Anthony's dad pointed out a sweet store called Lithium and I want to know what it is all about. Last night we had some of the best Pizza I have ever had at chicago style pizza joint. There was a cute girl who gave Anthony the look over a few times and I giggled because I am not sure if he noticed but I sure did. The trip here was painstaking because 99% of every state on the way was pretty much all corn. Iowa had a pretty cool downtown scene near the campus for Iowa State.. athough most of it were bleach blond upscale snob nose chicks with small dogs... yeah your telling me. I got your mssg Bernadette and I appreciate your taking care of stuff while I am away. I really do not want Serra calling the freaking phone anymore. I am two steps from pressing harasment charges. She is NOT allowed at our house EVER and if anything comes up missing Anthony said George will be responsable and he was a bit upset but I think he will get over it if things are okay at home and she never comes back again He likes George enough to overlook it one.. I think. Right now he is in waiters in the center of Estes park fishing for Trout which is cool. Ben is watching movies as usual. Last night we met up with Amelia and her crew at a little resturant in the senter of town and had some tea. I am now sitting on the porch in the wind under an umbrella next to a beautiful river. I can hear birds and I see chipmonks playing in the grass.. it is peaceful. Nothing about the loan has been in yet but I expect confirmation soon. If I get anything in the mail please put it aside for me unless it is from citibank and in that case open it, read it and report to me what it says because I need to know in order to take care of those bills we owe. If the phone gets shut off I can not help until I get home... I doubt it but it might because of the $80.00 we owe because of the min used while we were camping.. yeah I know I iwll deal with it when I get home. I will take more pictures later on today and I will post some more tonight. I miss you guys a lot. I saw an indian store and I thought about the two of you... you kno who you are lol.. my dark haired lanky ones... <3<3.. My science Grade was posted today.. I figured I was going to get a c.. I got an A- ... if I get an A in my world religion class I will be thrilled because my GPA will go up yet again. I am sooo excited about that because I will be on the National Deans list again for the 7th semester in a row. I am proud of myself.

24 Jul 2007 Colorado update

Well... the wedding is finally over which is good because I think it was really stressing everyone out. It was beautiful and I took lots of pictures. I have the worst sunburn I have had in years... I am serious its freaking bad... I have blisters in places. We had Buffalo and lamb today at a rustic resturant close to the Inn we are staying at. We are staying the night tomarrow at a lower price motel in town... Anthony's dad decided to stay an extra night to get the best out of the trip after two days of running around and waiting to hear the plans for today. I hurt like hell and my legs are swollen to all get out. The mountains make me feel a little weak. I am going swimming tonight I think.. we will see. I can not get into the hot tub now because it would hurt like hell. Anthony avoided a sunburn but Ben is pretty bad too- which I feel aboud about for not remembering to put sunblock on him.... no one did. We are currentl watching Romeo and Juilet. I think I might take a nap... <3 I miss you all. I iwll nprobably not post anymore pictures until I get home... to much of a hastle. I miss you Bernadette, Phil, George, Thom, Andrew, Wes, April, Ryan, Kc and everyone else that I forgot to mention... much love we will be home by Sunday.

Jesus and Mohammed

You know I am not a Christian but I have to say that I am glad that the United States is more so than freaking Muslim. I say this because I am about to finish a class about world religion and I did a 3000 word essay by choice on the comparative lives of Jesus and Mohammad. I find that Mohammed was a child molesting bastard. I say this with absolutely no disrespect to his followers but instead the man himself. Who in their right mind would marry a 6 year old? It blows my mind that an entire religion was based around such a sick freak. Then to those people who follow the religion I figure you just disregard that part? I would hope so.. if not I mean you as much disrespect as I meant to him.

Updating

So we have picked out the rings and probably the clothes too. Its going ot be a grand wedding I am sure of it. I am looking forward to getting away from everyone fro a min. Anthony's family is taking me fishing in Colorado. Oh yeah, were going to see his sister get hitched but the main focus for me here is the fishing... We just got back from Ludington State park and now don a cute little park sticker on the windshield for the year. I wonder what they do when there are ten? I wonder if you have to have them removed so it does not obstruct the drivers vision.

I went to the hospital today to have more tests done. My Dr. was in fear of uterine tumors and now I fear by the look of the ultrasound that she may be correct. They took a blood test and stuff too so hopefully it is not too bad. My blood pressure is certainly low which is a good thing.

Andrew, our little prestiges Surgeon in waiting is in Ann Arbor working on cadaver bodies to practice technique. He is certainly a good thing in my life. I like having that positive influence on the youth. He is only 16 and he has so much ahead of him!

My grandfather in in the hospital and my Grandmother is refusing to eat. He has a heart attack last night. They said the blockage is gone bu that he is going to be held in ICU over night. I will have him on my mind and I will light a candle for him in hope and honor.

My Requested Update

So some major developments have come about as of recent.

Anthony purchased he and I our fishing licenses. I have been camping non stop living off the land for 3 or four days at a time. I caught a 16 inch Large Mouth Bass At His grandmothers lake which kicked so much ass... I improved my cast arm and learned how to navigate top lures in lily pads at night. We went camping to Montcalm county and visited about 10 lakes in the matter of three days. We saw an Amish couple at the store. Took a picture of the Potato Monkey bar and grill sign and drove over 400 miles or so.


This morning the Doctor told me that my MRSA is getting worse. My T cell count is down so far that she said it looks like an HIV patient - but that I indeed DO NOT have HIV so thats always reassuring... I am now on five medications. The bacteria is so bad I have sores on several parts of my body that are severly painful. They are absessed and they scare me. People who have the Infection that I have can never get rid of it and are always at risk of losing a limb or appendage. I have to be seriously careful that I do as I am told or this might become my fate. I have to wash myself with alcahol now when I shower if I intend to shave and I am supposed to soak my blade in alcahol as well.

I am now a decent bowler... 115 average so yeah I guess thats better than a 66... I still have A's and one B+ in college and my GPA is a 3.83. I just completed my first year with a whopping 24 credit total credits and above average scores so I am very excited and proud. I am now an Allumni and a professional student so I can get more money which is always a good thing. I want to buy a car.

My pass plan approved me for 1500.00 for a car and 900.00 for supplies over a course of 6 months. Then I save for the house. I am really getting somwhere. I have to save the money over the course of the year and I can only spend it on a vehicle I am buying or to fix one I already own. This is still fantastic news. Too bad I am not in better health or I would be able to enjoy it a little more. I feel like some days I am just going through the motions.

My Religions of the world class really has made me open my eyes to Hindu religion. I am loving every minuite of it. There is also other fucking HUGE news going on here at the circus house. Brace yoursef. My brothers girlfriend is pregnant so I am going to be an aunt. Bernadette is Pregnant. I will leave you with that and maybe I will get a few comments. <3 CALL ME

Update

I am joining the Peace Corp. I will be leaving in two and a half years. I am shooting for Thailand. Anthony and I are getting married by some guy at the courthouse in a tacky suit as soon as we spontaneously decide to go. I am excited because who knows when it could be. lol

I made new art but it is all on myspace and right now my myspace is kind of screwed until I work on it.

A Standardized Rant

This has been a long fought over topic “Does ethnicity go further than skin deep?” This is a good question and surely no one has the answer. Many factors have to be taken into consideration. Did you know that standardized testing to back up this theory has very biased results? I have been reading about this topic for quite some time. I was intrigued by the subject and at one point thought “maybe it does go further than the skin”. It seems like Whites are inherently smarter. It seems this way because the test results show so. I also want to include that it was found that the best scores on most tests are coincidentally the creator of the test itself, pretty funny huh? I thought so. Taking everything into account there have been studies done for a long time to try to prove that one race is smarter than another. Whites take the cake on making tests that make them appear smarter. Often tests that prove differently are discarded. There are far too many factors to consider getting accurate results. It is said that brain size can prove something, and then we realized that we were wrong. How many more tests will some white collar Caucasian have to make to satisfy White’s ego? I think we have taken enough tests to last a lifetime. We know that Blacks have more testosterone and thus are more violent. They also say that white men are more likely to be serial killers, is that not a violent act? Maybe if there was a really good test that showed who made better liars we would get some real results. I suppose there might be some tiny difference there, which we might see in a controlled environment, if the babies were not made from test tubes. We should stop trying to identify a problem and just fix it. We should stop trying to point fingers and hold hands. I am so tired of ranting white, right wing scientists who think they are smarter because they inherited billions and invested it all into one biased test that “proves” that they are indeed the smartest out of anyone, ever. Just be sensitive. Love one another. Invest time if you care enough but please do us all a favor, don’t make another overrated standardized test. lol

What is this?

Reaching out I feel empty handed

In the dark I look towards the obvious

Before me on the floor wrapped in another's skin

This is something I know not if I will ever grow accustomed

I feel this immense loss

It was because of our distance that you would seek another to fill it

Would it ever be the same?

I think the future is spilling out before us

The future I don't see

No dreams or premonition has given me glance

I would sooner fight for what is my own than raise the flag

But what is a flag that stands for little

But a reminder of what is no longer whole

Yet we depend on each other for what I no longer know

I go without you and when you need me I am there

I will never understand what this is, or is not

All I understand is this vast jealousy for what was and is no more

I don't hold you, and you rarely me

It is another's love and hand that aids, not my own

It is another's hand I seek for comfort because yours are full

I wish I would see a premonitory sign of what will be

Without reason we continue in none but love

What is love if nothing is left to show it?

What is love that is so easily replaced?

This all consuming fear and lack of reason succumbs

For fear is what drowns me nightly

Sleep evades or all consumes

I never took it well no matter of selfishness

I am thus the selfish and have always been

It is no surprise that I fight every step of the way

It's no surprise that I have cried myself to sleep in the sound of you

My spirit, as torn and worn as it is, is not fairing well

My conscious riddled with no acceptable excuse

When you went away with what I call my own

I lay there alone wishing one of the two were there

Because your own finds itself away from me

Away from me as far as it can

It keeps its place until you return

Only to remind me of what we will never be

What I can never give

What it will never respond to

What in vein I have tried to claim

In the night you stay far from us

In the day you slumber until it is too late

What we once were is becoming nothing but memory

Holding onto the little things that we have managed to salvage

I know not what to expect or force

I know not what to feel or remorse

I wander in and out of the reality of this union

What is union without touch?

What is union without comfort?

When the dark sets in and I reach out

In the sounds of you there, without me

The sounds that you tolerated so much

What I find myself so hard to swallow

When your evading our once shard space

Only to find the new space with another

On the day I needed you there to hold my hand

When I was scared for the pain I may endure

You slept in the place you no longer join us

When I was away you must have found it better

So I face this fear head strong with my own conviction

It is my own conviction that brought us here

In this divide I find myself before my own demons

In a place I know all too well

A place you know better than I

For once I see the position you took unwilling

And thus the position we all face now

What will tomorrow bring, what uncomforting?

What injustice will we endure, what offering?

Will we make it into the night holding once more?

Or will I find the strength of another holding me together?

Will we all grip each other tight in resilience?

When the world outside of the door convicts us

Is this love we all share or just an occurrence of situation?

Because the glue that binds us is losing hold

Because the agreement we have made cares not of feeling

When we agreed did we agree to sorrow?

Should I bear that sorrow of my own because I once inflicted it?

Is this nothing but my punishment….

Tonight

I am reminded of my alcoholic father. I remember him falling all over the house. I also remember other family members being so trashed that they did stupid shit like piss on the furniture. As funny as it may seem I think I see it as more sad than anything. Pissing away money and time being so fucked up that they don't know there own name. The boys naked and silly in the kitchen when I woke up. I was annoyed more than anything and now I feel kind of sick about it now that the reality of it has hit me. The closest person to me for years catering to the asshole-ism that breeds from such nights, wondering if she too may be reminded of her own father. It makes me want to stop this but I know I can't. I wonder if someday Anthony will get sick of the situation and put an end to all of this. She brushing the hair out of the face of a man who can hardly see her. A man who has a problem. I know she is not strong enough to end it. I am sick about her future. I am sick about how I will not be able to handle the retarded alcoholism that is obviously a disease. A man who does not know his limits because he has done this for so long. What do you do when you see things change for the worse and you know it could effect you for the rest of your life? He has had an application for over a week now and has made no attempt to get a job and help support what we have here. He would rather smoke all of our cigarettes and drink until he falls on his pitiful face. END

Depression

I am fucking depressed. I feel fat and unattractive. I don't really know how to go about it. Its damn near borderline dangerous. I am not sure what plan of action I will take but it has to be fast. If not I am worried about the effects both physically and mentally. I will be fine so don't go worry your self about it. I am sure I will pull of of this somehow.. I need to clean this body of toxins and eat right. I need to work out and feel energy again. I need something.... anything, to make me bright again. I am in a dim and it feels like cold.

My education

I am going into journalism. I want to travel. I need to see the pain of the world to feel as if I might nullify some of the pain. I am a good person, where are all the other good people? where do they go... how do I find them?